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Back From the Looking Glass: 13 Steps Towards a Peaceful HomeBack From the Looking Glass

13 Steps to a Peaceful Home

Kim and Steve Cooper’s 13 steps to end the marital fights and heartache (and protect yourself from abuse), whether you leave or stay.

Back From the Looking Glass is sold in paperback and delivered by mail/or as a PDF download you can print or read onscreen.

Back from The Looking Glass by
Kim and Steve Cooper

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Book Reviews

Kim’s advice in this book matches my 25 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist. In contrast to much of the misleading information on the internet that confuses the narcissist with a sociopath, Kim gives clear advice that offers realistic help and hope for people who struggle with narcissism in their relationships. Kim is right in her assertion that narcissism is created from attachment wounds and can be healed within the context of a healing relationship that allows healthy dependency and good boundaries. I am so grateful to have found Kim and I constantly refer my clients to her resources!

Lisa Charlebois
Clinical Psychotherapist
and author of “You Might Be a Narcissist If . . .”


Sometimes it takes insight from outside of the “professional” ivory tower to provide a new approach.  Kim and Steve Cooper have done just this … their newly updated book which has been evolving for over 5 years in the online arena, offers a novel approach to working through the dynamics in difficult relationships.

Dysfunctional families are universal, from the highest functioning households to those living on the edge.   Far too many of us inadvertently pass on the patterns, habits, and beliefs from our childhood homes to the next generation.  Recognizing when we are doing this is difficult, changing these behaviors is an even greater challenge.  We owe it to ourselves and to our children to improve our emotional intelligence and to slowly learn new strategies for dealing with others around us.

Co-dependence and narcissism is an interaction between two individuals, both suffering, yet both un-knowingly locked into maintaining their patterns, often escalating into more and more destructive behaviors.  Traditional advice has been to walk away from these relationships, especially in their most severely abusive forms … however research has also shown us that walking away from these relationships places the leaving spouse at even higher risk of serious harm.  Abandoning the “narcissistic” partner does not help him/her to change and improve, but leaves them even more wounded, and reinforces their perception they can not really “trust” anyone.

Mental and emotional health is not built by continuing to do the same thing again and again, when it is not working.   Many families and communities are not heading in a growth promoting direction, so another approach is needed.   Kim and Steve’s book (and their associated program) helps individuals to recognize how through empathy, not blame, they can change their own behaviors, their internal state, and their relationships with others.   Change is difficult.  We all fear and resist change, and we will continue to re-live our own experiences until we understand what and how to change.

Kim and Steve’s ideas, presented in a concise, easy to read style, provide the building blocks for this personal growth.  Despite years of training and clinical experience, I still find new insight or re-framing of something when I turn back to their materials.  Their insight and honesty provide a valuable tool to anyone wishing to improve their relationships through improving themselves.

Maria F. Rodowski  MD
Associate Medical Director
Value Options Maryland
Past Faculty and Medical/Clinical Director
Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Division
Johns Hopkins Medical Institute


A sample of this books 1000+ testimonials . . .

Kim please write more. The broken hearts in this world need to identify with others and know there’s spiritual help/friendship while they heal. You’re providing the “impossible to find” these days. And even more, you’re providing instructions for how to not cast the so-called permanently damaged out into the cold.

Hugs and love,

Kathy WaldenUSA

Dear Kim & Steve, Before this year has gone, I wish to thank you both most sincerely for helping me save my marriage.

At the beginning of this year, all seemed hopeless and my husband and I had separated under very unpleasant circumstances.

Totally distressed and unable to make sense of my husband’s behaviour,

I stumbled upon your website ‘by accident’. This, as well as your wonderful emails and podcasts helped me to gradually understand what had been going on in my marriage.

Nine months later, my husband and I are back together (and have been since May). We are both very happy and respect has become a vital part of our relationship. It has taken time and great patience to rebuild trust, but our friendship is stronger than ever and for the first time I feel he respects me for who I am.

Every day is a blessing, even though there is still work to be done.

We would not be together today if it were not for your wonderful website and positive message. I am sure many people have already said this, but please never doubt the good you both do.

God bless you and yours this Christmas!

Eleana Kerr


Just thought I would let my favorite couple of the world know everything is going great and it was mostly cause of you, thank you so much!

Tina G.

Dear Kim,

I just wanted to let you know that I have only just discovered your site and read the first few pages of the e-book Back from the Looking Glass. I am at a place in my life where I thought there was no hope. I used to be strong. Every time there is an episode it is worse and I feel as if there is less hope; even to the point of being suicidal.

After reading JUST the first few pages I know you are onto something. I know it like a truth so deep I cannot even put it into words. Already, there is a huge weight off of me. A few minutes ago taking a shower felt impossible. The reason I am so sure is that through all of this with my husband WHO I KNOW LOVES ME, I knew that somewhere the wires had gotten crossed in his childhood. I think that his mother may even have molested him. I think that there are some things that are buried very deep. And, I felt this at a gut level before I ever found you.

I also knew that part of what had attracted me to him was how I was with my 3 awesome children. He was looking for what he never got and was robbed of what every child deserves. Little did we know that he would (and that I would allow him) to drive the very thing that he coveted out of me, while simultaneously destroying and taking that woman from her children as well.

I don’t know where your book will lead this family, but I know that it will be to someplace better than we are. What you gave me today was a powerful message that I am not crazy or self-loathing because I love my husband. I thought there was something wrong with me that I somehow liked being treated badly and that I was deeply emotionally ill for loving someone who on the surface can’t love me back. It was a horrible conflict of heart and mind and I feel the first sense of peace I have felt in a very long time.


“May God bless YOU… your efforts … and your results …”

Thank for all your hard work…..putting this information out…..and getting in print. I am learning a great deal from your efforts….and when I “apply it” in my life….it’s working incredibly!!

At times I get a little “lost”…but through your books, shared experiences and recommended reading/listening…all of these things are helping me to find my way back so that I can gain control of my life. It’s creating an new awareness and providing me with the tools for learning “Emotional Intelligence”.

Seeing my world from a new angle…and Loving it!! Feeling like I’m a success…not a failure.

Can’t thank you enough!!

May God Bless YOU…your efforts….and your results….



I have found your approach has changed my perspective entirely. I had identified that I was co-dependent, but all of your information about narcissistic personality traits and how they interact with co-dependents rang so true. And the result of the subtle changes in my attitude and all this reading and beginning this emotional work of my own? – he is suddenly flowing with loving kindness towards me. It’s incredible!

I have a new faith in this relationship which I was basically ready to walk out on, until I realised that I would probably just do the same thing all over again and never understand why.

So, thank you for your writing and your research into this area – I have to say this is the only really practical information I have come across that makes sense – and really works!

Best wishes,


You are quite simply the most incredible inspiration in my life … Elsie

“I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true …”

We have been together for 14 years and have four small children.  Because my husband has a couple of mental diagnosis I slipped into a terrible habit of blaming him more and more for things that were going wrong in our lives… from the big to the small. Of course, I took credit for all the good things because naturally he couldn’t be responsible for anything good and only someone as great as I could be responsible for the good stuff!  Right?

Well I discovered that what my husband has said about me for years as far as my narcissistic and selfish traits go are absolutely true.

He would tell me this after seeing his psychiatrists and I would tell him he was crazy. After all he is the one with the “problems.” What I have discovered is that his biggest problem was ME.  

You have the first resource I have ever found that I identified with and it was your website that first made me even open my mind to the fact that I am the problem. I can never thank you enough!!!!!!!! Please keep us in your prayers.


Dear Steve,

I have been reading Kim’s books for 2 weeks now and what a difference in my life! No more huge fights,my husband has really responded to the changes in me, so much so that as of tomorrow he is going to go on the “Seven Weeks To Sobriety” program as that site you mentioned – healthrecovery was indeed a very helpful site – it turns out I already had that book as well! This is entirely his decision and I feel I owe you and Kim a big THANK YOU! The information in your books has helped me to work on being someone my husband could trust and rely on – I went from despair and hatred to a peaceful pleasant person (of course I will always be working on that) and my husband went from being a miserable, mean, angry person who had major problems with alcohol addiction to someone who now is pleasant to me most of the time, not yelling and swearing at me and seems genuinely happier.

I am no longer trying to make him quit drinking and have accepted things as a fact he may never quit but now I can deal with things with love and kindness. I have seen many counsellors, ministers,women’s outreach etc. (mostly the advice has been to leave my husband) over the last 35 years and no one has ever come close to helping as much as these last 2 weeks of trying to put into practice the advice in Kim’s books! I’m struggling to put into words how this has changed me – I just hope that you can understand how much less stress I feel. I’m sure I will be writing back from time to time to update you guys

Thanks – sincerely


You guys may have saved my life. I got so broken. Physically. Accidents. Seizures. Left 11-12 times last year starting the day after he won the big election he couldn’t have without our family picture and the family man status.

But oh my God.

Kim is a hero and so are you for going public. I swear to god you saved my life. Thanks for taking the time and my best,

Cindy Black

“I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing…”

Thank you for the continued encouragement by your consistent newsletters and the direction to stand up in the right way. That is effective and I am looking forward to learning more. I appreciate both or your perspectives. It is amazingly refreshing.

“All of this is far more effective than the many voluminous self-help books out there.

All good to you! …”

Steve, please (you and Kim) quote what I said about the value of your ebooks, if that would help you respond when novices suggest that more pages would give them more value. No way! More verbiage just gets in the way. Getting your experiential advise, learning the ‘ropes’, letting the new knowledge sink in until a ‘critical mass’ of insight and empowerment accumulates and doing the exercises you suggest – all of this is far more effective than the many voluminous self-help books out there. All good to you!

Kate RH

Comment by Kate Reese Hurd,

Hi, I did buy back from the looking glass and your workbook. I am reading it now and

already started some changes, and things are more civil here. Thank you

Mimi Johnson

“If it wasn’t for you I would not have much hope …”

Hi Kim…. I love your work. Thank you so much for offering to us. If it wasn’t for you I would not have much hope that there would be a marriage left for my husband and I.


“Kim and Steven’s work is fantastic and life changing. Even if a marriage still fails, it will fail more gently than what happens currently …”

As a Health and Safety Practitioner, I feel that my opinion on preventing one of the leading causes of death amongst women in our society, at their own hand or during a row with their husband/partner is absolutely essential. Dysfunctional relationships caused or exacerbated by narcissism are a leading cause of misery in society today, and are linked with emotional immaturity on both sides of the male female connection.

We owe it to the next generation, now that we have so much more knowledge, to put this wisdom to work. I ended up leaving my narcissistic husband in 1997, putting my children through a great deal of pain, because I didn’t have the benefit Kim and Stevens materials. With that help, I may have been able to save our marriage. We tried the usual interventions, but the marriage guidance counsellors had no idea what was going on and told me that my only choice was to end the marriage to save my own sanity.

Please allow this brilliant work to be made available to more women, to prevent the misery of divorce for their children, and the cost to the family and society in general.

Whatever we are doing isn’t working at the moment, Kim and Steven’s work is fantastic and life changing. Even if a marriage still fails, it will fail more gently than what happens currently.

Simone Plaut, London, UK.

Simone Plaut MSc CMIOSH

Hi and Thanks!

Reading through your books on co dependence and narcissism were truly wonderful and it really help understand myself and my situation. I worked from the books and helped correct my situation. Hope this testimonial can help further your cause in support of correcting peoples situation and showing them the right path.

Fixing my co dependence, fixed up my life with everyone around.



Hi Kim! I have purchased back from the looking glass and the love safety net workbook. Me and my girlfriend are using these to deal with my narcissism.

It has been very helpful for us. Thank you for the support.

Kind Regards,


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Codependence Self Help . . .

For fifteen years, the Coopers have offered themselves as humble guides and mentors, helping families avoid cynicism and chaos. Leading the way as peer support specialists whose own family has traversed love's dangerous terrain.
Taking you to that place inside yourself that you can't go by yourself. Helping you get back in touch with the power of love within you to restore the sanity in your marriage whether you stay or leave.

This Post Has 4 Comments

  1. please help me ive been married 46 years to what i believe is a narcissist. ive been verbal and physically abussed, the lies, his affair(s), just so much from even before we married. i didnt see it but guess i looked other way and loved him so much i didnt want to acknowledge it. im getting your book Looking back from looking glass. is there any other resources you can direct me to? thank you

    1. Hi Shirley and welcome!

      10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great book to work on at the same time as Back from the Looking Glass and also the Earning Respect members subscription on our blog which deals specifically with handling verbal abuse

      That membership is less than $10 a month and gives you access to our secret Facebook page where you will get support from other people working through the steps!

      Read through Back from the Looking Glass cover to cover before you start putting your own strategy in place of what you feel your priorities are.

      Hang in There!

    1. Sorry Sue – You should have got an email with download links. If you use Gmail check your promotions folder. If the email is not there, Steve will be back in about an hour and a half and I will get him to help.

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