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Self Soothing is the most powerful skill you can learn to become more attractive
and more successful in every aspect of your life.

What is Self Soothing?

Self Soothing is the ability to stay calm and regain your composure when you become emotionally upset. It is at the heart of our relationship skills training and a vital skill to master if you want more love and respect in your life.

In this short movie I will share what I have learned about self soothing, including mistakes even “experts” make when learning this important life skill. I know self soothing is not easy to master – but today I will share my self soothing ‘secret weapon’ with you as well!

Some people make the mistake of thinking self soothing is about never getting upset or losing your temper – but this is not the case at all. It is normal to get angry and upset when we are disrespected.

However, if you are always dependent on your partner apologizing and making up with you after you have become angry or upset – to make you feel better – you will unwittingly become a kind of emotional vampire that comes across as very needy and dependent. This is very unattractive and will damage your love connection – while also giving all of your power away to your partner’s bad behavior, just when you need your inner strength the most.

Do you feel that being angry or upset with your partner is the only way to have any influence with them?  Or perhaps that having someone help you feel better when you are upset is what love is all about?

There is much more about this in my ebooks, but really nothing could be further from the truth . . .

Another mistake people often make is thinking that calming down after an upset means ignoring what happened or pretending everything is okay and denying your feelings or ‘pushing them down’. This is not what self soothing is about at all.

Learning to take note of what made you angry or upset – as soon as possible after you first notice it* and then going back and dealing with that issue again a few days later, once you are calm and right within yourself, is just as important as being able to soothe yourself and get back on track with your own goals after you have become upset.

This is emotional intelligence and I offer much more on helping you understand what signals your emotions are giving you in my books. Needing someone else to soothe you – and especially the person who upset you in the first place  – will leave you as vulnerable as a child and completely unable to set boundaries effectively in your life.

Now I know there may be part of you that longs to be loved like a baby – but I will tell you straight up that you are the only person who can give yourself that kind of love. No one wants the responsibility of caring for an adult who has the emotional needs of a baby or child. Wouldn’t you rather be loved as an adult? Isn’t that what respect is all about?

This will not be easy at first and you will not learn this new response overnight, but I assure you that you CAN learn new and better ways of responding.

You will make mistakes sure, and that’s okay. It will take time too for this new response to change the circumstances of your life.

Self Soothing Made Easy

Has the conflict in your home left you feeling rattled? Talking about your problems won’t help you calm down and will probably make you feel even worse. And I am sure you if you think about it you will realize that drinking or drugs are only going to increase your anxiety.

You may need to talk to someone to get support in setting boundaries and prevent the situation that upset you happening again but that will go 100% better if you soothe yourself first and find your inner balance again before you ask for help.

Back when Steve and I were our own worst enemies, I used to feel I would almost die when he did not reach out to soothe me after we had been fighting. The healing in our relationship began when I realized that I had to overcome this feeling because my natural instincts were impaired.

Of course he could not help me feel better at these times because he didn’t even know how to help himself to feel better when we were fighting and both felt upset.

I had to learn to be strong and get back on my feet again quickly and how to start being an adult instead of acting like a baby if we were going to get our life together back on track.

I want you to find that strength in yourself too and to help you discover that you can be in charge of your moods and your state of mind. It takes training and patience – but mastering this will undoubtably change your life.

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper

* Our emotional brain triggers much faster than our ‘thinking’ brain can keep up with.

Self Soothing Made Easy

Sign up for our Free Introductory Special on the front page of this website and learn the latest science on self soothing. Introductory Tutorial

For fifteen years, the Coopers have offered themselves as humble guides and mentors, helping families avoid cynicism and chaos. Leading the way as peer support specialists whose own family has traversed love's dangerous terrain.
Taking you to that place inside yourself that you can't go by yourself. Helping you get back in touch with the power of love within you to restore the sanity in your marriage whether you stay or leave.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. A lot of good stuff is said here. Wow!
    Hits home. It will take lots of time to fix these behavior issues,
    Who wants to be a child. When you could be an adult.

  2. Hi Kim,
    I’m not seeing the link you mentioned for the self soothing audio from Wellness Audio Institute. Could you direct me?
    So appreciate your work. It’s hard for me to put into practice but I keep listening and taking small steps.

  3. Dear Kim
    I so admire the work you do. You have been a beacon of help and hope for me. Listening to your tape you talk about the Wellness Audio Institute recordings. I have tried to find them without success is there a website you could perhaps give me?.

    1. Unfortunately, The Wellness Audio Institute wound down a few years ago now. Still available: Lovable me – you can purchase on our website, and the self soothing audio that comes with 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence. Besides these our team is presently working on more recordings.

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