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Staying Sane in a Narcissistic and Codependent World

Who Should We Trust?

couple in bed both looking at phones

No matter how strong your faith that the powers that influence our lives are active, compassionate, and kind,  the information provided to us by our media and institutions, often serves interests beyond our own.

No matter how well crafted the message, ‘good advice’, may not always be what is best for our family.

Conflicting information from external sources can reach the point where it often appears our narcissistic/codependent world has gone mad.

Rather than delve into talking points—that often divide people into conflicting camps—let’s forge a reliable road back to personal sanity.

In this article, I will share some simple guidelines to help keep our families safe and sane:

1. Stop Waiting for a Hero to Save You

My grandmother was born in 1883 and lived out her adult life expecting Jesus to return in her lifetime. My father—born in 1919—did the same.

If you believe Jesus is sure to come soon—because of the strife and turmoil the world is experiencing—consider that my grandmother raised my father through the Spanish flu pandemic, great depression and two world wars.

What is wrong with your personal world that you feel needs a hero to set straight?

Don’t hit the snooze button waiting on political giants or religious saviours. Your life is not the warm-up act, but the main feature. Stand up and start putting things right for yourself and the people you care about today.

Learn what makes men and women true heroes in their families in Steve and my podcast on point 1:

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Steps to Peaceful Home - Beyond Marriage Counselling

2. Start Following Your Conscience

Let’s face it, most of us avoid our conscience because we fear that—by insisting we give up our guilty pleasures—our conscience will cause us to suffer.

In reality, conscience cares for us in ways that nothing else can. The gut feeling you get about a favour being asked of you. The voice that tells you that you need your sleep instead of watching another YouTube movie or looking for one more news article to read late at night. In these cases, it is easy to see that your conscience is not depriving you, but protecting your time and your sleep.

To get started on the subject of conscience, which is the foundation of all of the points offered here, I would first like to share a historical example of our conscience caring for us, which might be wise for us to consider today. Back to my American protestant upbringing.

I wonder how many people know about the opiate problem the world faced in the late 1800s or that heroin was marketed by the Bayer Corporation—just after the turn of the 20th century—as a cure for opiate addiction? Or that many Spanish Flu pandemic deaths were caused by patients overdosing with aspirin?

Opiates were made prescription-only in 1919, the first time prescriptions to obtain a drug became required by law.

This class of highly addictive painkillers had previously been sold everywhere, including heroin—syringes and all—even by mail order in the Sears Catalog! Women didn’t smoke or drink, but in high society injected themselves with morphine—and later—heroin in their thigh under the table. Children’s candy was even infused with the stuff!

With opiate-based pain killers off the open market in 1919, I can only guess that opiate addict’s withdrawal cravings were not satisfied by a single safe dose of aspirin. Addicts must have been downing as many aspirins as they could get their hands on. One can only speculate on how many deaths from addicts overdosing on aspirin were attributed to the Spanish flu.

Mega-dosing with aspirin was the recommended protocol to deal with the Spanish Flu. Many investigators now believe this protocol may have been much more deadly than the flu itself. Mega dosing with aspirin came partly from panic, but also from the fact that Bayer’s new pain killer had only just been released and no one was yet aware of its dangers.

More reliable than these dangerous drugs, back in those days, was a firm American Protestant tradition that mothers be considered the ‘physician’ in their homes.

This tradition most certainly saved my father’s life.

Two churches that I know of from this era—both led by female prophets—built massive worldwide congregations by espousing a clean living health message that avoided the use of alcohol, tobacco, and drugs.

I can only speculate that the congregations of these churches were swelled mostly by men and women who sensed that “God’s own medicine” (Opium) and Jesus pills (heroin laced pills handed out to the Chinese by Christian missionaries) were not the best solutions for dealing with sickness in their homes. This concern, based on personal observation of what drug use was doing to people, was certainly not what the estimated majority of up to 50 million addicts in the world (at that time) were advocating.

Outside of mainstream thinking back in those days, the people who put faith in their conscience, fared better than those trusting ‘a saviour’ in the guise of a new drug.

It might be interesting to note that one of these women, Mary Baker Eddy of the Christian Science Church, was also an early civil rights activist.

Mrs Eddy’s brother, Albert, elected to the New Hampshire Legislature, was also a human rights activist who succeeded in having the law that imprisoned people for debt abolished. These were other popular movements led by conscience, in times similar to our own!

Don’t fall off the tightrope

With so many hidden forces intent on hijacking good causes and dividing us now, conscience can no longer rely on mass movements but has become a more personal matter of survival. More on this below.

Everyone needs to allow space for others to follow their conscience in making health decisions and how we treat our fellow citizens. We must ultimately decide what is right for ourselves.

What conscience is not

  •  The feelings that result from co-dependency or a co-dependent mindset.

Conscience is not people-pleasing, false guilt, or the habit of valuing yourself based upon the opinions or behaviours of others.

Feeling distraught that someone may be unhappy with you is not conscience but codependency. Codependents need to find the inner voice that tells them right from wrong. The perspective and wisdom emotional intelligence offers will help this person find the courage to stand up for what is right for themselves and the people in their care.

People with a codependent mindset tend to mistake any negative judgment from others as conscience—making them easy to manipulate and exploit.

  • Media driven agendas (on either side of an issue) that try to sell you something—preying on your prejudices, hopes, and fears.

Media agents spend countless hours—and dollars—developing narratives that serve interests that generally are not our own. This may be as simple as “click-bait” headlines created only to raise advertising revenue—feeding the media’s own dollar making machine. It also includes corporate-funded research that has been deliberately biased to cause an audience to believe one product or medical protocol is healthier than another. More sinister still is content created to sway public opinion, insighting people to violence and even war. The excellent documentary by John Pilger, The Coming War on China, provides a chilling example.

It is much easier to spot the agenda behind a position we disagree with than one to which we adhere. The agendas we spot are usually not aimed at us. Like Marilyn Monroe’s numerous interviews saying she kept her figure from eating eggs, meat, and dairy—especially for breakfast. This was part of a hidden advertising campaign led by Edward Bernaise. It could be described as a direct marketing war on the plant-based cereal breakfast American protestant businessman John Harvey Kellogg had promoted for years. John Harvey Kellogg, likewise, had his own agenda.

Eating bacon and eggs for breakfast was obviously not aimed at Seventh Day Adventists—the church Kellogg was eventually disfellowshipped from—or practising jews. Neither of which eats pork. Likewise, Kellogg’s idea that Cornflakes was an anaphrodisiac intended to curb sexual lust was a claim clearly aimed at puritans and not the secular crowd. The claims and counterclaims of what constitutes a healthy breakfast continue to this day.

Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy theories often fall within the media agenda realm. Gaslighting (wrongly labelling people as crazy) and conspiracy theories often go hand in hand.

While working on this article, Steve reminded me that we would all do well to remember that conspiracy is a crime. People with theories on potential conspiracies are no different than armchair detectives with theories on a murder or corporate fraud.

Conspiracy theories should be taken seriously and if a crime has been committed it should be investigated and tried. Likewise, if people with a hidden agenda are discovered intentionally putting forward false theories, this should also be explored and exposed.

If someone falls victim to a false theory deliberately put forward to gaslight them, whose fault is that? Most of us these days have little understanding of who is behind promoting most of what we believe. Tolerance and interest in other’s beliefs, no matter how crazy they might sound to us, will always help keep us united as a community against larger and more important threats.

This is tough in a codependent society, where we are all trying so desperately to fit in and not say or do anything that might upset or even slightly displease our family or our neighbours.

For instance, back in the late 90s I once read about a broad survey that had been conducted in the Australian community. It was found that over 60% of people believed that UFOs were genuine alien spacecraft. Most of these same people also understood that talking about UFOs might cost them friendships or even their job. Everyone knew that UFOs are something that should never be discussed at work.

For how many years have we been fed a rich diet of movies that feature space and alien beings? Fiction sure, but UFO sightings have also had a lot of press. Considering the TV shows and movies we have all been raised on, is it any wonder that people would be interested? But even today few people feel safe to talk about their honest beliefs about aliens and their supposed spacecraft. This is a classic example of codependence in a community. J.K. Rowling touched on this theme in the Harry Potter series, where Voldermort was known by most of the community as “He who cannot be named.”

Naming our fears is uncomfortable for sure, but it also helps us to discuss and tame them.

As uncomfortable as it may be—if we wish to overcome our codependence and it’s underlying emotional wounds—we must find the courage to put our whole selves back in the game.

Like many people raised with American protestant values, I have through my life also been a fan of sci-fi and popular science. Most women I know who are interested in these subjects have a lot of trouble talking about them, especially with other women. Most women with children now have no choice but to work, many in highly specialised positions. At home we play stricter roles than most men, doing more of the unpaid labour at home, with little or no time or space left to follow our own interests. I have found women too, in general, more sensitive about being considered stupid. Considering the negative stereotyping women deal with, this is understandable. To be truly educated, however, one must be open to a broad range of viewpoints. Women should be aware that the self-love of giving themselves time to follow their interests, will make them more loving and interested!

Is anyone who is interested in UFOs or even flat earth, for instance, really that stupid or crazy that they genuinely deserve the derision often levelled at them? Are they really to blame for the state the world is in right now? Or are they just people interested in exploring and challenging the baseline scientific data our current world view is based on? Government and corporate corruption are much more likely contenders for the blame, that receive very little media attention.

The flat earth movement too, if looked at with an open mind, is an extremely interesting phenomenon. Something of a renaissance of the renaissance man; flat earthers, could be considered the new Davincis and Galileos of our times, ready to take on “The Church” of settled science with hands-on experiments and a holistic approach to knowledge. One that, if nothing else, exposes art’s staggering role in our understanding of scientific truth. It’s no coincidence that many early scientists were also artists. How much of our understanding of science comes from artistic works of art, cinematography and literature? What proofs do we have of the things we believe if we clear art away and just look at the scientific data? The line between fact and fiction these days has become very hard to distinguish. Hands-on practical scientific experimentation (as many flat earth enthusiasts do) should always be encouraged. Flat earthers are the new alchemists, if you will, throwing out all certainty to challenge our dangerous era of overconfidence and over specialisation. Helping us question what specialists all kept on a ‘need to know’ basis really know about the bigger picture?

Moving past specialisation and globalism may be important for our personal survival in the times ahead. Around our house, these days, Steve and I certainly have to play many more roles than we used to. We are also becoming much more involved in our local community. We do not have the time or money to conduct scientific experiments on cosmology. I will say that if I did have more of both, I would happily join that exploration. Saying that people who want to get out in nature and question settled science are dangerous, to me is exceptionally dangerous.

Steve and my shared interest in exploring subjects that are often considered taboo is a lot of what has kept our marriage interesting and loving.

I would argue that as a society we have differentiated along many of the wrong lines. By dividing the world into groups based on politics, religion, race, gender, sexual preference and specialised professions, have we really built stronger communities? Do these groups really have as much in common as we pretend they do? Or are we all craving more freedom to put a bit more of our true selves back on the table? Stereotyping—along the wrong lines—puts each and every one of us in a cage.

My father, for instance, as outlined above, was raised an American protestant. He was, however, also an inventor and explorer. He took our family on a trip to Death Valley when I was about ten years old. The aim of the trip was to buy a crystal he needed to build a crystal radio set with me. At ten years old that radio was truly awe-inspiring. Not a new ager by any means he still gave me a clear demonstration that ‘the magic’ of crystals is something I will never scoff at. He also taught me to sail and how to use a sextant. My mother—raised Church of England and far less interested in science, once shared with me her idea that God was water. My father and mother both encouraged my sense of curiosity and adventure.

Healthy curiosity about life is a good antidote to egotism and extremism.

If we really want to address the inequality in the world, might it not be better that we begin by differentiating along the lines of pay rates for labour? Income disparity, between the top and bottom, is now greater than ever. CEO’s live in an entirely different world than their front line labour force.

Let’s remember that a false conspiracy theory—if deliberately put forward in order to scare and gaslight any group of people in our community—is a conspiracy in itself. This might sound complicated but in reality, has a simple name in military operations. It is called counter-intelligence and its practice as old as time. Gaslighting is rampant in our world right now. It is also known as controlled opposition. Make your opponents look violent or crazy and you are miles ahead in winning your war by swaying public opinion. This, of course, doesn’t make this strategy okay.

There is a lot of evidence that this occurred in California in the late 60s through into the 70s when the military tested LSD on the population and instigated a wave of violence and terror. Their aim, in part, was to gaslight the peace and black rights movements, both of which had previously been headed by level headed politicians and academics with good reputations and their community’s respect.

More prominent in the media today is the vaccine debate. Those who support vaccines would say that if you don’t vaccinate, you are putting others at
risk. No matter if you believe that people who believe in vaccine conspiracy theories may have been deliberately misled, you might consider if your conscience really feels right about allowing people to be bullied into accepting any medical procedure they truly believe might cause them harm? This is a dangerous precedent to set in any community. The agendas fed to us on both sides of the vaccine controversy rarely address this point. Conscientious objection and consent are principles that should be protected. Considering what I have outlined above about the aspirin overdose deaths contributing to the Spanish Flu pandemic might give us pause. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Unbiased research institutions are a good place to start in deciding if a drug you are considering is safe.

Instead of calling people crazy for tuning in to a narrative that differs from your own, perhaps you can start by exploring any possible hidden agenda behind the narrative you subscribe to? This will certainly take courage.

What will happen if you discover your worldview is based on lies and that it is you that has been deliberately misled? Unless you find the courage to explore where your own beliefs came from with an open mind, what gives you the right to insist that others are crazy for not doing the same? Most people don’t want to pull back the curtain, they just want to watch the play—but who are the scriptwriters and where will our current story end?

We must, however, still tread with caution. People’s beliefs give them a lot of security, and deconstructing them can have a truly negative effect. Do cattle being raised for slaughter really want to know the reality of their existence? Would knowing their impending fate help them?

It is an extreme example and most of us have more choices in our lives than cattle. We do, however, need to make those choices wisely and deal with reality as it is and not how we would like it to be. Where is our world heading right now with so much gaslighting and hate all around us?  Where will the fights and inequity in our own families lead?

A favourite line of mine is, “Just how bad will it have to get before you understand that it is you who needs to take charge?”

The dangers involved in following the crowd must certainly be balanced against the danger of the crowd turning against you. The fear I have experienced on this narrow path is very real. It might help to remember that fear comes in waves and that these waves pass. Not being scared in the times we live in today, to me would be of much greater concern. Use conscience to first to establish your position and emotional intelligence to evaluate your environment and move forward in measured steps.

To keep our communities strong we must research what is behind media-driven agendas with an open mind, not allowing our families to be divided or gaslighted for exploring beliefs that might differ from our own.

  • Your personal ambition or strategy for success. 

No matter what excuses you find to focus solely on your ambitions; if you don’t take time out every day to set aside your aspirations and consider your conscience, you will be creating hardship and chaos for someone somewhere. This negative effect may at first impact people you can marginalise, but will eventually find its way back to hurt you. 

For example,  people feeling enriched and clever about ‘hunting down’ goods and services at the lowest possible price, has led to corporations exploiting third world countries. While people kid themselves this kind of bargain hunting is only cheating big corporations who can afford it—and that third world workers are happy to work for a bowl of rice—the truth is this exploitation eventually comes round to hurt everyone.

Likewise, putting yourself above others in your household/family by doing less than your share of the unpaid labour in your home will, similarly, hurt the most vulnerable members of your family and eventually hurt you all. In the short term, you might get away with ignoring the inevitable complaints levelled against you—by claiming the person issuing these complaints is mixed up or crazy—but gaslighting family members that are doing the bulk of the unpaid ‘dirty’ work at home (to avoid doing your fair share) will distort your view of reality in dangerous ways, eventually hurting you and the people you love.

If you are being gaslighted by your family, understanding the concept of gaslighting as a shield against fear can help you to empathize and get underneath what is actually happening. Empathy and emotional intelligence both are strategic and conscience-driven tactics to face and combat injustice at home, professionally and in society in general. Emotional wounds are at the heart of the fear that drives individuals to elevate or protect their status at the expense of others. 

Empathy aside, the unpaid labour in a family needs to be distributed evenly if your household income is to be evenly shared.

From a narcissistic mindset, even in the face of criticism—that deep down they know they deserve—people will ignore their conscience and look for other people in their family or community who will give them sympathy and defend their right to do less than their share. Unhealthy narcissism is largely indistinguishable from a term in psychology called “groupthink”. Gaslighters rarely work alone.

Groupthink is when a collective of people affirm their right to exploit or scapegoat another person or group of people and together help each other ignore their conscience to do what is right. Groupthink is present wherever people are claiming that exploitation is tradition or preordained or that people with genuine fears should be labelled as paranoid or crazy.

Ignoring conscience and criticism using groupthink will, over time, create built-up resentment and hard feelings. As we see in the streets today with the BLM protests, people who use groupthink—as a means of protecting their status—may face anger when eventually the people whose exploitation or fears they ignore or excuse ‘snap’.

Once things reach this point, the blame will keep getting thrown around and cause an extreme downward spiral. Gaslighters and counter-intelligence operatives enter the terrain, causing violence and hysteria to discredit protestors claims.

In our work we witness this same downward spiral in family relationships every day; not something you would wish to occur in your home.

For this reason, it is best to avoid gaslighting (claiming anyone who has a fear or complaint is crazy) and use empathy to address family members fears and complaints. Your needs must be considered too before agreeing on a new way forward.

Using empathy to deal with criticism is not weak, but highly professional conduct. It is not easy to master, but it is a skill that may literally save your family from destruction.

If you are being gaslighted in your home, don’t resort to anger or violence! Instead, check out the steps we offer in Back From the Looking Glass. These steps will not only help a family dealing with injustice at home. We have had testimonials from smart individuals who have used these same principles successfully to change the prevailing narcissistic and codependent culture in large organisations they work for.

Last on the subject of gaslighting for now. Gaslighters themselves should not be labelled as crazy, or when will the gaslighting ever end? Gaslighters are often trying to protect their own or their family’s status. This is a valid shield against fear. Understanding this may help if you are the one being exploited and labelled as crazy. Remember what I said above: emotional wounds are at the heart of the fear that drives one to elevate or protect their status at other people’s expense.

Again, using empathy will work better than blame. Say you understand that status is important to them, but that you are not willing to donate more to that cause than you believe is fair. What constitutes status to them? A clean home? A fancy car? Nice clean clothes? A stable home?  It can’t all depend on you. How can your family’s status be maintained in a way that shares the input from everyone on the team?

If a family member feels you must live beyond your means to protect their status, perhaps suggest that they do a short course on healing their emotional wounds. Healing your own emotional wounds first will, of course, put you on more solid ground.

  • Blindly accepting criticism.

Criticism or negative judgments against you may sometimes alert you to the fact you have not been considerate or fair. Accepted blindly, on the other hand, criticism can trigger co-dependent tendencies and set you up for exploitation instead.

Criticisms need to be evaluated using active listening, conscience, empathy, and conflict resolution strategies to consider the specific issue at hand.

If someone is upset with you, ask your conscience first and then use our conflict resolution process to respond to the complaint using empathy. If the angry person will not let the issue be resolved, there is a chance they may be gaslighting or scape-goating you. In this case, consider point 5. 

  • Imposing your views onto others. 

This last point leads nicely onto what conscience is.

What conscience is

The truth is that conscience is a very personal inner state that should be sought with intention and free will. It should advise you what is right or wrong for you to do, not impose your views on someone else.

Instead of blindly following the dictates of your community leaders and peers, take time every day to stop and ask yourself—deep down—what is the right thing for me to do? The benefits of locating and tuning into this personal moral compass are immense; the very difference between heaven and hell.

If you are interested, please check out my guide to accessing your conscience here.

3. Stop Romanticizing

Are you trying to create an idyllic marriage for yourself, and storybook childhood for your children?

Rather than wishing to play out a naively chosen role in your fairytale, your family is probably more concerned that you have matured enough emotionally to:

a. put yourself in their shoes,

b. share information honestly—even when it is uncomfortable,

c. deal gracefully and intelligently with criticism.

Family life is not a romance novel. Parents need to make tough and ugly decisions sometimes. For instance, taking computer games (and the TV) away and giving children roles of responsibility in your household, may take all your mettle to accomplish, but—in the end—may also save your whole family from despair.

Wise leadership has nothing to do with romance. It requires us to develop roles that our family members feel motivated by and are aligned with—while also providing enough challenge for members to feel a sense of pride and belonging in themselves.

4. Plan Family Entertainment that Builds Teamwork and Rapport

What can you do for fun together that doesn’t include eating or looking at a screen for a few hours? Think of some ideas—really—I dare you! Please share your ideas in the comments section below.

5. Don’t Support People Who Use or Exploit You

Don’t demonise; just stop giving more than others are willing to pay you for in some way.

Giving less may make your user angry at first—so make sure you do all you can to protect yourself and your interests—but learning to say no is the only way you will ever give mutual respect a chance.

Establishing a fair exchange may involve changing the system you live and work within.

Try negotiating to fix your current system before starting a new one. Revolution is fertile ground for predators and is never sure to create peace in the end.

Divorce, unfortunately, can be this type of revolution, with a whole new set of predators entering your family’s landscape. Personally, Steve and I are not against divorce. But we always advocate that couples, especially ones with children, do all they can to end the conflict first. This, of course, may not always be possible, but getting a clear perspective on your own situation and security is better than rushing into another relationship or family structure that may leave yourself or your children even further at risk.

6. Stop Playing the Victim

Worse than waiting for a hero can be rushing to find someone to blame for the problems you are facing.

Everyone has experienced grief and hardship. Blaming others is likely to only alienate you further.

Before seeking sympathy or handouts, be sure that you are making the best of what you already have.

A drowning man is not choosey about the rope thrown to him. Be careful an offer of salvation won’t lead somewhere worse than you already are.

If you need help reorganising your life so that you are no longer used or exploited, ask someone you trust and who is willing and able to help you put a better system in place. Don’t ask if you are not willing to listen and consider that person’s viewpoint. Positive change will undoubtedly put you out of your comfort zone for a while until a new normal is established.

7. Stop Taking Other People’s Faults Personally

If you feel hurt that someone is not giving you what you need, before assuming they don’t care about you, consider if what they are doing is about their own immaturity.

If a person is rude to you, for instance, is it that they don’t care about you, or are they disrespectful—to certain classes of people in general?

Insisting your hurt feelings should be a reason for them to change their behaviour probably won’t work.

Most of us have a hard enough time keeping our feelings about ourselves positive than to be able to act in a way that prevents other people from being unhappy.

Instead, learn to deal with these situations in a way that protects your self-esteem.

In the case of someone who is rude to people who they judge as inferior to themselves, this behaviour will usually only change when doing so starts making them look small. Developing witty comeback lines is a great way to protect yourself and accomplish this.

If someone regularly talks down to you, it might be time to pre-plan a response so that what they are doing stops hurting you.

People will generally only change their behaviour when that behaviour starts to hurt them.

8. Deal With Your Self Righteous Indignation

Do thoughtlessness and stupidity easily anger you? Do you feel isolated in your superior knowledge and judgment? Do you feel lonely and misunderstood? 

These are signs you may be trapped in a dangerous groupthink bubble—now sometimes called an echo chamber. 

The more you learn to listen and consider other people’s beliefs with an open mind, the less isolated and anxious you will feel about the world.

Anxious and alienated vs a life filled with meaning and belonging. The choice is yours.

The gap finder exercises in the last chapter of The Love Safety Net Workbook may help lead the way out of your self imposed bubble. The work will be challenging but certainly worth your while.

9. Get Your Home Organised

Practical, well organised and efficient is beautiful.

Make your home a place where everyone can find what they need, to do what they need to do.

Don’t let people tell you to throw out stuff you love and treasure. Care for your belongings and use them to their best benefit for everyone.

A disordered mind creates a disorganised environment. An ordered environment can also help create an organised mind.

If your environment is disordered get someone to help you. Don’t keep recreating the same messed up life!

10. Stop Defining Yourself With Unhelpful Stories

Do you tell people you are an ex-drug addict? An ex-drinker? A coffee addict, insomniac, or hoarder? Or perhaps a fan of some team, musician or actor? Is this the best story you can come up with to define yourself?

Why not give yourself a more descriptive and useful title? Household operations manager? Chairman of the family board? You can describe yourself however you like, so how about talking about yourself kindly? What descriptions will help people align with what you want in your life right now?

Pay More Attention to the Stories in Your Dreams

When we sleep, our unconscious mind provides us with metaphorical stories in our dreams that can help us plot a course through life. A classroom is a place in your dreams that is probably teaching you something and a kitchen giving knowledge for sustenance and growth.

The information our dream stories offer is tailormade for us from an unlimited data bank of personal information about ourselves and our life.

You have your own set of dream symbols. Keep a journal of your dreams, and you will soon start learning what they are.

11. Stop Talking About Yourself and Learn to Listen

Be honest. Are you not that interested in anyone but yourself?

The desire to be more interested in others is the starting point for leading a more satisfying and meaningful life.

Understanding other people’s needs and motivations—and setting up a system that considers these in your planning—is the road to long-term prosperity and wisdom.

12. Give Yourself the Attention You are Craving

What unhealthy things do you do for attention? Pretend you are better than other people? Exaggerate about your successes? Make yourself sick with psychosomatic illnesses? Work to impress instead of working for the common good?

Only you can be your perfect lover. Start giving yourself the love and attention you crave.

        ——–

The points above are here to help you whenever you feel your life may have gone off track. The final point below is the golden rule, if you like, in keeping balance in a narcissistic and codependent world:

The True Pearl of Wisdom = Moderation

Is your life focused on yourself? Is it focused on your partner? Are there other consuming addictions you nurture?

Just as walking into the light creates a dark shadow, giving up one thing leaves a gap for something potentially worse to enter.

Regulate your life and enjoy the bounty; balance never comes from a single focus in life.

 

 

 

For fifteen years, the Coopers have offered themselves as humble guides and mentors, helping families avoid cynicism and chaos. Leading the way as peer support specialists whose own family has traversed love's dangerous terrain.
Taking you to that place inside yourself that you can't go by yourself. Helping you get back in touch with the power of love within you to restore the sanity in your marriage whether you stay or leave.

This Post Has 13 Comments

  1. Dear Kim and Steve and Family –
    This is an excellent guideline – I am looking for the common thread in all of your thoughts ,
    and it seems to be “balance.” But balance of what ? I believe that you are a true advocate of
    the importance of the layer of biological experience called ” Family ” or ” Home ” – This area
    of our humanity is so important , yet has been so completely ignored from both within and without . I would even go so far as to say most religious orders are specifically attempting to Replace or substitute themselves for family , as family is a sacred event , unto its own self. Congratulations for maintaining family , and being a resource for others inside of your functioning experience . I also recall that you are the daughter of an MD , and I find your comments on drug use etc at the turn of last century fascinating . I feel that even non drugged addictions such as video game use , actually ARE drugged addiction , in that the drugs are self manufactured ( Dopamine etc ) – a friend of mine said ” Its all about gunpowder , drugs , and money ” and bascially , the family is usually the mop that has to clean up the broken glass and milk on the floor . I think you have both done an excellent life work in the area of family function and family valuing . Thank you for the continuing focus . Looking forwards to more of your thoughts in the future .

  2. Dear friend hank you for coming back with the intention of giving courage against fear of covid 19. But touching the untouchable won tdo any good. The ap. Paul did not know either bur the Lord s coming and he said that he is waiting for Yeshua to come. We know He will come and his hope motivates beleivers to correct their lives and wait for Him. The ap. paul saye either we sleep or awake we are His.
    We love family life as parents we love to take care of our children, but I face difficulties in the greek society that I am a part and I know young people are afraid to get married less they devorse soon.
    The message is been given out to society is: the woman to submit ànd the man to make decisions. They do not look at the inaidvidual building up character so the women remain empty and unsatisfied.
    It is a matter without solution so far and we have hope to see better days in our world with love and giving out of our time and effort to see the world a better place. Be blessed in your endevour.
    jan Jane

    T

  3. happily, compared to some of your historical descriptions, I grew up in a fairly simple and practical family, as a young person,… I do think that this helps!,… then, in seeking a fulfilling lifestyle as a young adult, I gravitated to situations that brought me close to “farm life” which was actually very integrative in ways that you are describing,… it is a blessing to have real “life” and real needs that are obvious and best attended to by co-operating with everyone involved,… the “reasons why” are pretty much “right there in your face”, so it’s not looking like a contrived “power trip” on someone’s part,…

    the artificiality of modern electronic “life” makes these “down to earth” experiences seem so irrelevant to many,… but I do think “becoming grounded” in these practical and sensible ways that you suggest, is basically very needful for developing and keeping our sanity (individually and collectively), as you are presenting,…

    plenty of “old adages” and “morals to Aesop’s Tales” come to mind,… “not biting off more than we can chew”, “look before you leap”, “keep your head on your shoulders”, etc etc etc,… thank you,… (-:

  4. btw, there was a novelist, Pearl S. Buck (I think), who was recommended reading to us back in our school days,… one of the “points” being her descriptions of the wasted lives in the opium dens which were commonplace in China (I think),… “good sense” and “commonsense” seemed to have “learned some lessons” since those days, but your informed descriptions give more insight into that type of common practice even in this country,… and, unfortunately, (as in the concepts of “the way of all flesh” and “as the wheel turns” and “pendulums swing”), new generations become susceptible, once again, to the “same old same old” and apparently need to learn similar lessons all over again,… you’re certainly “working on it!”,… and “more power to you”, as they say,… (-:

    1. Thanks, Georgie and sorry it took so long to approve your comments. Life carried me away again for a day!!! I dearly hope that one consequence of this pandemic will be more people returning to work at home in some kind of practical industries. The fact that commercial and residential leases are totally separate now (in Australia at least) is a sign of how far we have come from our traditional values is a fairly short amount of time. My dad was raised on a dairy farm. His experience of that has certainly influenced me.

  5. Excellent article on the global pandemic of gaslighting. If we take a close look the “Group Think” phenomenon is taking place from our world leaders, to our workplaces, family court systems, and families. It is designed to get others to go along with a certain person’s agenda. That person is often high in Narcissistic traits, very persuasive, manipulative, and convincing. Well done Kim explaining how this takes place in society today. Below is a link to my book about my personal experience with a Narcissist/Psychopath ex-spouse getting others on board in a gaslighting and group think effort to gain control of finances, our beautiful daughter, and assassinate my character. https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Terrible-Thing-Manipulate-ebook/dp/B08BB2Q63V/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=michael+sunset&qid=1598012102&sr=8-3

    1. Thanks Michael, I found your book very useful in helping me really see just how far families will go in gaslighting others to protect their own sense of status and lifestyle. I fear the world is in a difficult place as people need to revise their budgets and expectations. It is a stark reminder that an honest and humble way forward is something that not everyone in our families may be ready to accept. I hope it might serve as a warning to anyone who takes the time to read your experience, that sticking to what is right for ourselves is something that we need to resolutely steel ourselves for.

  6. 🙋 Kim,

    Finally, I’ve had the time to read and really focus on your article and video…amazing work! You really knocked it out of the park with this one, Kim and Steve!

    Looking forward to each upcoming article! 👍

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