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In 2005, Kim helped me face my narcissism. We share that story in Back From The Looking Glass – 13 Steps to a Peaceful Home

In 2019, Kim is helping me once again in ways I did not ever expect.

I have only recently been diagnosed with a fairly serious heart condition, the symptoms of which have put a lot of stress on my family over the last year or so.

Irritability has been one of the symptoms. My family have been putting up with me being hard to talk to for a long time now.

The stress of my current job has been partly responsible. My inability to handle the stress has been transferred into a great deal of unpleasantness my family have had to suffer. My poor health was causing me various problems, but rather than taking direct action, I decided it easier to blame Kim and the kids.

Another symptom has been extreme fatigue. I have no idea how Kim has been able to tolerate me over the many conversations we’ve had recently where I simply fall asleep.

It’s clear to me now that my family have been dealing with my sickness more than I have.

The unfortunate mix of poor health and unhealthy work conditions has created a situation where over and over again I have put my family last.

This week, I have committed to rectify this. I have clearly seen the hurt I have inflicted on myself but more importantly, I am now aware that my family has suffered greatly from my insistence that my career should be our family’s biggest priority. This is one of the toughest paths I have ever faced.

Codependence in the workplace has become a new normal for me. I work for a couple of narcissistic types that leave me little room to be anything but a codependent serf in their fiefdom. In an attempt to build my own professional career I have solidified a whole range of unhelpful and unsustainable habits that have hurt my family in several ways. We no longer take holidays together, I decree my daily work commitments as non-negotiable, I am reluctant to allow others to ease my workload, I am stressed and take it out on my family, I have stopped planning social or fun lifestyle events.

In short, I have been pretty tough to be around.

Kim has such a big heart and the determination to help me become the husband she knows deep down I really can be for her. I love Kim and respect her, but when the obsession with myself recently began to dominate our home life again, it’s become crystal clear that another intervention of sorts is required for me to take better responsibility for myself.

The 2019 intervention has a few serious career, health and lifestyle changes that will require implementation and attention.

A complete restructure is required to take the burden off my family and I have asked that Kim be in charge of this.

Due to my neediness right now, Kim may not be around for a while as we begin the process.

After that I have so much I want to share and hope I can make time to offer my own experience as an example for others to compare.

I know a lot of men who put their careers first and regret it later. I do not wish to be on of those guys. I am now committed to getting better in all areas of my life.

It is time I start walking my talk.

For the past few years I have made my work the central focus of our family. In 2019 I am committing to make our work here my main focus again.

I am sorry I have taken Kim from everyone here for so long. Both of us will be back soon once I set some long overdue boundaries around my job.

It has been said that the treasure we search far and wide for was always within reach, we were simply looking in the wrong places.

It is ironic that my heart condition is said to be due to poor vagus nerve tone. The answer to the problems associated with poor vagus nerve tone was what Kim has been teaching us here all along, so I feel a little stupid.

Thanks to everyone who continues to send loving and kind comments to us. The higher levels of cooperation and understanding required now in my family will hopefully be an inspiration to your family too.

Stay cool,

Steve

This Post Has 77 Comments
  1. Dear Steve,
    thank you for sharing this very delicate matter. Well done for being aware where the problem lies. You and your family are in my prayers. May all go accordingly.

  2. Hi Steve …
    I think a BIG BUNCH OF FLOWERS ARE REQUIRED FROM YOU TO KIM ….
    I have found that flowers mean so much , when I’m going through a tough time xxx
    I am still going through hell and back , here in the UK ..
    My ex husband is a dangerous psychopath, and is now covertly abusing me , with the help of THE POLICE AND LEGAL SYSTEMS IN THE UK !
    I have been campaigning and attending debates in Parliament and finally a group of us have managed to pursuede the UK Government , to enrol a COMMISSIONER FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE , who will work for The Home Secretary , and hopefully will ensure that The innate corruption and negligence by The Police / CPS and legal systems , regarding Domestic Abuse , in the UK , will be extinguished and those guilty of such horrific persecution of Victims of Severe Psychopathic Domestic Abuse, will be held accountable for their actions !
    My case has been on going for 11 years now , and my EX has never been held accountable for his actions by The Criminal Law !
    Like Kim …i will keep going for the sake of future generations !
    GOD BLESS YOU AND THE FAMILY and Make sure that you treat Kim the way that she deserves !
    KR
    Monica

    1. Hi Monica,

      Thanks for the excellent suggestion of flowers! You are right, it has been too long since I bought Kim a bunch.

      As for the new DV laws in the UK, I hope and pray that more sensible and effective measures are introduced to help relieve the pain and suffering that so many women, children and even some men experience everyday. Our world has become so polluted but that doesn’t mean we will accept pollution in our collective heart(s). We need to keep talking about DV.

      Steve

  3. Steve I will be lifting up you and your family in my prayers. It’s wonderful
    that you show such remorse because that’s always the way to healing. This illness does affect the whole family but your determination to get better gives everyone hope and inspires those of us who struggle with this illness at home. Give my best to Kim!

  4. Steve, Thank you for your willingness to be upfront and honest about realizing and then confronting your issues. We all lose our way at one time or another, but you have shown from your past experiences that you have learned from your mistakes and are taking responsibility to rectify them. You are setting a great example that I wish that the narcissist that “was” in my life could have followed. Keep on growing and sharing with each other! Thank you for sharing with the public your very personal discoveries! Looking forward to hearing back from both of you soon!

    1. Thanks Terry,

      I am the lucky one. Kim has loved me unconditionally and has been brave enough to hold me to account. For me to share our story is liberating even if it is embarrassing for me at times.

      S

  5. Dear Steve,
    I admire your honest!! I’m sure this is not easy for you ! I purchased all of yours and Kim’s work a few years back !! I absolutely learned sooooooo much from your teaching! I’m heartbroken to say that my ex and I ended up divorced! ( he was just so toxic at the time and saw me ( who was also very sick ) as a threat and he blindsided me and my kids!!!) it still continues to be a nightmare!! So congratulations to you for taking your responsibility!! I hope that both you and Kim continue to get well !!
    Sincerely, Jan xo

    1. Hi Jan, thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to us. Hopefully that toxicity you experienced is gone for good? I hope we can continue to help you in some way.

      🙂

  6. Steve, I’m not being facetious here at all, and I do sincerely pray that everything goes well for you, but it sounds so much like the age-old adage , (that we all have to face), of “live and learn” ~ life has so many things to teach us and ways of doing it, and we all continue to be “learners” all the way through,… wishing you good health and recovery,…

  7. I hear what you are saying and I can relate to the stress that triggers old habits learned at an early age to resurface in response to stress. New ways of relating to each other are so important to intentionally practice daily for our own health and the health and well being of others and families. I hear that you are sorry for taking Kim away from us, and I am also certain you can see the hurt your family feels, and are sorry to them for what they feel. You have such a wonderful and loving group, they will forgive the mistakes and see them as mistakes, the past as the past, and the opportunities to grow in both caring for each other and in proactive behavior. God bless your household, your health and you as you move forward to see and act in ways that help each member grow as an individual and as a family.

    1. ‘Stress’ is the new enemy in our home. It creates the downward spiral of fear and aggression. I am ashamed it took me so long to see it.

      You are right, stress brings up old wounds too. A terrible cycle that Kim and I plan to combat with our new material this year.

  8. Good morning Steve,

    Much grace, Mercy, and the love of God, to you, and in you and your family, in this time of change.

    I also I’m going through much change. Let me encourage you as to how blessed you are that your wife is in your relationship with you and for you.

    I’ve been living in a separated state since the beginning of July and have dealt with the potential of never being back with my wife again. Recently there has been a turn on her part with a willingness to work on our marriage. At the same time changing Behavior and overcoming and managing existing traits, especially as pertain to the adaptations of narcissistic… or what I like to…
    Selfissitic traits… is an ongoing process that requires the continuous sacrifice of self simultaneously to the Lord and for my wife.

    The Apostle Paul in talking about marriage said, ” but know this, if you take a wife, your devotion will be split between the things of God and the needs of your wife.

    For those of us who do actually embrace God and desire to do his will this creates an additional conflict of sorts… a desire, as if free as a single man to only consider what God would want.

    I don’t know about you but, I could sleep just about anywhere, eat just about anything, go without food, and sleep whenever I had a chance…In most cases and circumstances I would be just fine with serving others, and not being concerned about myself.

    But alas, I took on the responsibility and commitment to wife and family. The reality is that I took the vows, which is something like signing the contract, but didn’t know much about nor adhere to the seriousness of what it means to lay one’s life down for another.

    My observation is that strangers, others, and maybe as in your case…the job, always got the focus of my attention while my family became an extension of me.

    This results, or resulted in a depersonalization all those closest to me.

    I have repented, changed my mind, about my actions. To change one’s mind is one thing, to change one’s being is another.

    What I’m saying here is that we can change our mind in a wheel power way, forcing ourselves to do the right thing, however this is not sustainable. I don’t know what you know about how humans work, as to the function of conscious mind and subconscious mind. What I have learned is that our subconscious mind is what is driving ultimately. There must be a transfer, AKA, transformation where the changes in the conscious mind are written into the subconscious.

    Ultimately we must consider what we value most as this is what we will be thinking about and what we’re thinking about is what is being written into the subconscious.

    Behind the scenes of Our Lives is the creator, God. The what is necessary is the choice true value and the trust him for our supply.

    This is not normal, and I hesitate to use the word normal, maybe just say natural to what becomes and what is from the supernatural.

    I choose each day to seek first the kingdom and his righteousness against what I would do as the natural man not based on feelings but based on truth.

    My encouragement do you is the fully trust God, and to rest in him, moment to moment, to moment…

    You got this!

    If I can be of any encouragement in any way do not hesitate to contact me directly.

    In, and with, and through the love of God.

    1. Thanks Jay,

      I am really enjoying your take on this. I will most certainly contact you privately.

      Our new program is based on building family structures to resemble something more equitable. It’s based on the Good King and Queen ‘governing’ together. Each family member has a role and a voice. I hear the advice from Paul the apostle and I have been feeling it a lot lately. In order to de-stress our family, we are looking to build more structure.

      I think you write beautifully Jay. I hope to be speaking with you again soon.

    2. A change of heart is what is needed being reborn as a new creature, leaving all the old excuses, reasons and justifications for bad behavior , behind forever. There are no good reasons for bad behavior and treating anyone wrong. Anger is wrong when used to hurt someone. It is a second emotion figure out why you are angry and deal with that emotion don’t let it turn to anger. If you are sad let yourself feel sad, overwhelmed how will you let things go so you are no longer overwhelmed? Etc. the only way to be sustainable is to change your heart and your being!

      1. I couldn’t agree more. Personal renewal is so ver powerful. We are not our behaviours. Behaviour is behaviour and we have the power to change that.
        Steve

  9. Thank you for yer raw real message Steve. I’m hopeful yer
    awareness of how you affect your family, starts a certain healing process. You all need healing 👍

    I appreciate you took time to express yerself about the stuff going on in yer life/family.

    It takes a village. Carpe’ Diem!!!

    1. Thanks Dian,

      the healing process has begun. A small miracle overnight – our 18yo son returned home after a couple of weeks ignoring our calls. He’s been enjoying the summer with his friends after a couple of unpleasant exchanges at home over Christmas. Anyway, he came home and the healing has begun!

      S

  10. Steve,
    I want to offer a strategy that might help. First, have an employment option. Dust off ye’ old CV and talk to other employers. Just knowing you have other options makes it easier to tolerate the BS from others. You don’t need their approval anymore.
    Also, I’m not a cardiologist, but I learned from my bodybuilding days that a cheap and readily available amino acid called L-arginine helps with heart function. It might be worth a try. It acts as a vasodialator and increases blood flow.
    Power to you man. Keep up the good fight. I’m rooting for you…

    1. Hey, thanks Jason. You are right – I am already looking for another job. I don’t have to stay here, so I need to make a decision, or, as you say, have an option or two up my sleeve.
      Whatever works out best after an honest and timely negotiation with the family.

      I think I remember having some L-Arginine on the shelf, I will ask Kim, she is the supplement researcher in our house 🙂

      S

  11. wishing you well, Steve,… we’re all in the “live and learn” process, somewhere along the way,… I’m “getting older”, and the game changes as time goes by, so being adaptable is good,…

    (I hope this will post ~ my first comment got lost, or something,…)

    1. Thanks for the post Georgie, by the way, it was really nice talking to you again this morning. So lovely to hear your voice again. Happy New Year.

      S

  12. Thanks for being real. Sometimes it takes us so long to really be able to see what’s going on. But then we have a choice regarding how we respond. Thanks for offering your voice in this for your benefit and others as well. Peace to your family.
    Kim

  13. Low vagus nerve tone can turn into Parkinsons disease . So , guess what ? Being a healthy member of the family , and a healthy life partner , wether you are a man or a woman , ( Women abandon their families to work , as well, you know … ) Its really important to understand that caring for others IS caring for ourselves .

    When I read this , what I am hearing is that you need skills to know is their a different possibility than the idea of Slave/Master ? Let me tell you a story . I went to a copy shop here in Florida , to get some xerox’s made . There was a young man working in that area of the store . First of all, he is mulatto , with red hair and a body out of a super hero movie , I mean , he looked like a new kind of human being , as he was physically so built , that it was like art work . His job, was so stupid, compared to who he WAS , ( a super hero action figure ) – just dealing with two old ladies , one was asking him to crop the edges of this christmas picture , it was a photo of things, santa clause some elves, and just bizarre stuff . But she wanted it centered differently, and he was like totally slaving for her , making sure that she got her little 1/4 inch differential on that freaky photograph . In the meantime, I am at the copy machine, doing my stuff , and the machine starts beeping , and saying it needed attention from a store employee . So , I look over at this god like character , and say ” I think the machine needs more paper ” but he was totally engaged in that other woman’s job, and so , I went to get paper clips and stuff , while I waited for him to have the time to finish with the other lady . So then , I went back , clocked back into the machine, he fixed it , but all the time being super solicitous . I was watching him, because I have PTSD , from getting literally clocked by large powerful men like this guy , yet he was not angry at all , he was totally servile , and at the same time, it was absurd to me , that a man which that much strength in his body , was doing a paper work job . IT WAS ABSURD . This is what I think , and this is what I think about your situation Steve . This guy , from Staples paper copy shop, had the capacity to actually take the frigging copy machine and throw it across the store, with the amount of youth , strength , and body structure , so he is not actually slaving to me , or that lady , he is so attentive and sweet , and cooperative , because he is under control, under his own control. He is controlling himself, and the force of his own being .
    Kind of like Clint Eastwood , who knows he has a loaded gun, and will use it , he has no problem keeping his cool and chewing on a toothpick, in the face of a violent criminal. So , this is the thing, you think that its your family, or Kim , or the people at your job , that are trying to manage you . Its not . Its you , the inner you , that you are dealing with . Its like , struggling with two people, inside of one life . There is a way , to learn new modalities, and yes you can do it inside of work, and inside of a marriage, but mostly , you have to do it , inside of your own art forms . you own chosen contracts . you own self assignments . For example, this guy , was obviously a body builder , and he obviously went and worked his system alone , every day , to the point , where he was completely relaxed and happy about being UNDER CONTROL. you seem to be asking other people , to be responsible to keep you managed, thats normal, we all want to be cared for , but … until you can accept that there are different layers of the self, different aspects of inner being , that actually can have , like a wrestling match . And that is called INNER WORK , and the more inner work we all do , the easier it is to do the outer work . That guy at the copy shop, he was doing a lot of inner body work , maybe not so much as to time management etc , but he was working his own SELF , and the results were that not only was he physically powerful, but he seemed to be emotionally really charged up and on top of the game . I am going to finish this with something I just learned about exercising the core of our bodies, you can do all the crunches and sit ups that you want , but until you twist your self, left arm out over right knee up , right arm out over left knee up, and work that inner body by pushing self against self, does the inner musicales of the core, actually get used . We HAVE TO GET INTO A INNER ARGUMENT< to work out our own "I AM " and … its not fair to create outer arguments, with people who are near us , or , ask outer people to keep us managed and under control, like it sounds like is happening at your job . Go ahead, give yourself two names, Steve A and Steve B , and talk between those two sides, and see what happens ! I am a song writer and an artist, and I write from a few different "Personas " – sometimes , i write a song that is really best sung by a man , in the masculine — mostly , I am writing from my feminine perspective … it doesnt make me a man , it allows me to think what it could be like to buy 14 acres of paradise — which as a woman, I don't feel like I am allowed to dream into . Over the years of sharing , your family , your beautiful wife kim and the amazing children, has become real to me , as my family was destroyed by Narcissism . Please , realize that reaching out is wonderful, but better than that , reach in , twist and shout , and discover your core — you are in there , and you will arrive . Sincerely, Jennifer Arnold

    1. Hi Steve – thanks so much for this info on yourself & your family! I’ve been very impressed with Kim and you over the years. I like giving advice, so please ignore it if I’m off-base. I’m self-centered, too. Anyway, I’m working on renewing my elementary teaching license, and one of the courses I took was, “ss5 Reflective Teaching Practice.” Usually this continuing ed stuff is pretty easy for me to grasp – but for this course I needed to take the quiz twice to pass. Anyway, to try to sum it up, if for instance it strikes me that a student is sure being a real jerk in my class, to NOT blame the student. It taught that what I must do is consider how MY teaching practices are impacting my students. Any time things go awry with the class or specific student, it can be labeled, “a critical incident.” And the course went through all sorts of ways of self-reflection for resolving/improving “critical incidents.” You can evaluate how well you are doing by the performance of your students. One of the ways it described as good practice is writing down questions and then answering them called “Framing questions and answering them.” The course called it, “the best way to practice diary writing.” When I think of “diary,” I think “time consuming.” But just jotting a few questions, maybe not even daily, probably isn’t very time-consuming. Yet, I don’t speak from experience as of yet. But, it seems the reflective practice can be done for far more than teachers – like it can be done for anything. Such as “Reflective Person Practice” – reflecting on how you are doing as a healthy person, evaluating how well you are doing by the performance of the people around you (such as are you impacting them to be healthy people). But, not meaning to hit you with a 2×4 in my own eye to try to get a speck out of yours. Please just use any of that advice if at all helpful. If not helpful – consider that the source [me] hasn’t successfully implemented this either.

      1. Sheila, this sounds like a great thing for me. Thanks for sharing. I wish I was a better teacher, but that might have to wait for another lifetime..

        Kim and I are working hard on the new program that helps build a strategy and a process for navigating the tough stuff in family relationships. Your suggestions here might very ell be useful for us. Thanks for sharing!

        S

    2. Hi Jennifer,

      Thanks for your perspective. This is great, and yes, searching for the authentic person that is (insert your name) is too valuable a task to leave until last. I fear I have done this in many ways. But also, I have prevented Kim from becoming her self too in many ways. She’s been trapped in the semi-productive relationship we have built for each other. For instance, I received a private message from a reader who wholeheartedly believe s Kim and I should be on a speaker’s circuit in the USA, talking to families and individuals about narcissism and the NCmarriage. I often feel ashamed that I have been unable to help Kim return to the USA, Kim belongs there, she is an American citizen with American family across the US. Why is it that my fears (of flying and being away from my comfort zones) have limited Kim’s options of revisiting the US? Mainly because one of my gaps is that I lack follow-through and determination. I am a bad saver too.
      If I am honest with myself, it’s maybe because “I” am not read to be on the speaker’s circuit in the US. Kim certainly is – she knows her subject inside out, she has an affinity with her readers that astounds me and she has the support of several established institutions across North America. So, Kim is ready for it, but maybe it’s going to take the next healing process I have only just started to heal the gap?
      Playing the role of Good King and Queen is also healing us. We have several challenges ahead and so we needed a structure to move forward. I am looking forward to sharing more of that over the coming months.
      Thanks for your awesome post!
      S

  14. Hi Steve,

    Happy new year to you and Kim and your family.

    Thank you for your sharing your struggle. It is your honesty and openness first brought me to reading you’re ebooks many years ago. You both have helped me immensely in that time.

    Good luck with your challenges ahead. I can offer a glimmer of hope in that all the struggle will be worth it.

    Me and my family made a conscious decision last year to put family first and make my work take a step back.

    It takes a lot of adjustment, as it sounds to me that you are little like me in that you put a lot of focus and passion into your work.

    Believe me when I say that the struggle will be worth it both for you and your family.

    Take care.

    Jaco

    1. Jaco, this is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing. It does come down to a whole bunch of adjustment, but I am glad you can testify to the benefit to your family.

      Kim and I are making some bold steps this week to alleviate some of the daily stress we are carrying. Your supportive words mean a lot to us!

      Steve

  15. Dear Steve,

    Thank you for your transparency. It couldn’t have been easy to put yourself in position to have so much accountability by sharing these struggles, but in so doing, you have a community who wants to support you and Kim and your family. And that kind of support makes all the difference. May your efforts be blessed and may your heart’s desires be realized to once again put your family first so that your health and quality of life are restored.

    1. Thanks P.

      This community that you speak of has been nourishing Kim and I for many years now. We are truly blessed, and we know it.

      It isn’t easy to see the shadow, it isn’t easy to find empathy for others sometimes. Kim is very loving and giving, she shows me what it means to truly love.

      Steve

  16. Thank you Steve for keeping us up-to-date and for your courage in self-reflection. I am involved with a high-functioning narcissist boyfriend and I derive so much help and inspiration from you guys so please always work at your marriage so you continue to inspire me thank you so much Steve!

    1. Hi Amanda,

      I have made a promise to Kim that we will continue this work in perpetuity. I hope that our material can continue to support you, I hope we can continue to inspire. Thanks for the supportive words.

      Steve

  17. Hi Steve,

    Thank you so much for sharing regarding your situation. I appreciate your honesty. Will keep you in prayer and please consult awmi.net for resources on healing and help.

    Blessings,

    Susan

  18. Hi Steve,

    Thanks for your sharing regarding your situation. Will be praying for you. Please consult awmi.net for help with healing and help.

    Thanks,

    Susan

  19. Dear Steve;
    It sounds very much like you have obstructive sleep apnea which has contributed to the heart condition. Please get tested and treated for this.
    Deb

  20. You and Kim helped me a lot a while back.

    Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. Serious illness frequently makes people irritable. It’s great that you have the perspective to see your part in the dynamic.

    Take care.

    Love to you and your family.

  21. This sounds very concerning, starting with “I’m taking Kim away”.
    Kim is grown and has her own voice. Why is she not speaking for herself versus you trying to speak “on behalf of her”. That is absurd.
    You can speak about YOUR thoughts and feelings, but it is completely unhealthy and unfair for you to speak FOR her.

    1. I totally agree. My message was intended to convey the error I made when I insisted that Kim help me focus on the tasks surrounding my business to the detriment of her on line program here at http://www.thencmarriage.com

      Kim is a strong and independent person but I have acted very selfishly this year as my career hangs by a thread.

      Steve

  22. Hi Steve
    It seems to me that you have been working so hard at the expected male role to be a good provider, and a good father that you have neglected your health. They say that it takes a village to raise a child, and this world no longer provides that support. And it is completely understandable that the stress build up from a trying job, raising teenagers in this difficult ‘modern’ world, and having the stress of Kim’s mum being unwell for so long, amongst other things I’m sure, have taken their toll. Difficult for anybody to stay positive after so many years of stress. I think many parents suffer from a type of post traumatic stress after raising their children. All the best to you and Kim and your children’s health and happiness.

    1. Thanks Caroline, it has become clear that my health is infinitely more important than profits for the company I work for. It just took a serious health scare to finally wake me up.

      Certainly iti s difficult to raise teens these days. It’s almost as if it is a different world that they are growing up in. We never had cell phone technology to organise our social lives. I fear for our kids in many ways. There is very little ‘down time’ where they are bored or allowed to be with themselves. I could use some help.

      Steve

  23. Thanks for sharing, Steve. I hope all goes well for your heart condition. And I hope all improves for your family. I believe your children will be better off for your recognition, and acceptance, of your NPD. My son said the best thing I ever did for him was take care of myself (getting help). He said that let him know that it was okay for him to get help & direct others to get help as well. By the way, the best thing my wife ever did for me was get help for herself. She has become much less codependent, & I’ve become less narcissistic. This is a “day at a time” improvement program. Distinguishing between what we do for a living, and what we do for a life.
    My best to you all.

    1. Hi Larry, a cooperative and positive approach will see you prosper.

      Being able to identify your own narcissism or codependence is half the battle, perhaps even 75%!

      You are an inspiration Larry, thanks for sharing!

      S

  24. Hello Steve,

    I am sorry to hear that you all have been going trough a very tough time. You are very lucky to have a family who cares for you and want you to put your health first. I hope this year brings positive developments in every area for your lives .
    Thanks for sharing your news with us. Take care Carol

  25. Question: if your outtake is that you need to take more responsibility for your life, why have you put Kim in charge of this task? Jus wondering?

    1. Well, Kim is a highly respected researcher and it would be a little churlish for me to think I could do a better job than her in researching health strategies.

      I’ll continue to help Kim with other tasks too, we are usually a pretty good team.

      🙂

      Steve

  26. Amazing responses by many especially Jennifer Arnold as i can at this moment describe myfamily as destroyed by my ex also . I have never described it like that before. My ex of 17yrs has never admitted he was the cause of our breakup aftr 28yrs including one of my 5 children committing suicide 3mths after the breakup…we all suffer from PTSD and i cant afford anymore counselling. My ex has said he feels no guilt . In fact it is because i was a nutter. I am now nearly 71 and drained with hurting adult children trying to recover. Anyway I am astounded and amazed that you Steve are so honest and I have no doubt that you and your dear wife will succeed as you two are on a mission utilizing the same efforts for your work as for your marriage and illness including narcissism. Blessings and love to Kim and your family. Very proud of you and Kim

    1. Never too late to heal. that’s my positive take on what you said.

      But, I know it can be tiring when you do not feel that you are making progress. Kim and I had many moments over the past couple of years where we seemed to be stalled on many points – unable to progress. But Kim has a good sense of when, why and how we might shift some of the stubborn roadblocks we face.

      Thanks for the kind words!

      Steve

  27. Thank you, Steve, for your honesty and your willingness to put yourself on the line and your hard work and commitment to your work – which I am sure you were doing with your family in mind. The insights you have provided us, together with Kim, have been so valuable, and I wish you a wonderful work situation and all kinds of growing possibilities for you and Kim and your family in the coming New Year.

  28. Hi Kim and Steve
    I appreciate all your help over the years! Seeing lots of love to you and your family! xoxoxo

  29. Steve, you’re making the right decisions. I so wish my dad—one of the men I admire the most—would have done the same. There’s so much I wish he could have shared us, if only he had surmounted his difficult marriage and lived. Your sacrifices might be great, but they’re definitely worth every ounce of pain.

    1. Marisue, these are the words that will help me stay on track – thank you so much! I wished your dad could have had a strong support network like I do. I am very lucky! Much love to you and your family.Steve

  30. Hi Steve & Kim by reading your email I see that it is starting again because you have this condition it’s stressing you out & you have too blame others for how you feel regarding it please see if you can take high does of Anxiety pills too help keep u &kim together Kim & you need a break from each other for @ least a week mayb more as there is no medication for narssitic disorder u need too be not 😫 stressed it takes its toll on wife’s or spouses Kim trying too hold it together will take its toll on her later praying for you all Dawnxx

    1. Hi Dawn, Yes, stress is a killer, I used to think that was just a cliche. But I can feel it trying to kill me.

      Kim and I don’t like to have long breaks from one another. But maybe we could think about it….. I am open to whatever is going to help us stay closer to one another in our hearts.

      S

  31. Prayers and gratitude to you guys for all you do and share yourselves for others’ behalf! Get good sleep, drink lots of water, eat pure ( as possible), take your supps, think less of yourself and more of others, love and allow to be loved, dare to be happy and joy filled…fill up on Jesus’ love for you and for all of us!! Balance your mind, body and soul with good habits and clean living. Pray and trust God to help you on your way-daily. It’s a daily battle dear! God love you both! Take care of yourself, take care of your family.

  32. Steve,
    I love all the love and support expressed in the responses to your posts. It is our vulnerabilities and weaknesses that draw us together; not our strengths. There are so many people hurting.

    My extremely codependent ex husband continues to pull further away from our family and it is heartbreaking. All the love and everything he wants is right here, but he can’t see it and continually misinterprets everything.

    The more love we can pour into the world, the better. So love to you and Kim and your family. Keep the faith! God bless and keep you.

  33. Steve,
    It is because you are both willing to grow and figure it out that you have touched many many lives for the better. Thank you for sharing, thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to face your demons.
    To a better and better future
    Rebecca

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