Signs of Your Codependence
Signs of Your Codependence in Marriage
- Do you have addictions that you blame on the bad behaviour of your husband, wife or children?
- Do you find yourself expecting your husband or wife to be kind and play fair even after they have given you no reason to trust them?
- Do you need your husband or wife’s approval to feel good about yourself and able to move on with your own goals and plans?
- Are your happiness and goals closely tied to what your spouse thinks of you?
- Do you feel responsible for your husband or wife’s negative feelings?
- If someone in your family is upset with you (or in a bad mood) do you find it difficult to stay focused on your own life and goals?
- Do you believe your partner guessing your needs is a sign of love?
- Do you expect support from your partner without asking, and get upset if they don’t guess what you need?
- Are you emotionally demanding - using moods to get your partner to give you love? i.e. “I am sad, so you should take care of me!”
- Do you suffer from an illness that is perhaps psychosomatic; where you have become sick because you feel you are not getting the love and attention you need?
- Do you feel that your marriage partner has stolen your happiness?
- Do you long for a ‘hero’ to save you?
- Do you spend your life waiting for your partner to call?
If you would like to overcome signs of your codependence in marriage, please begin with our very short book titled “10 Steps to Overcome Codependence“. This is a good place to begin shifting your life away from this unhealthy way of looking at relationships.
Or join our email contact list and allow me to guide you through the steps in our program and become eligible for introductory specials on our books.
Either way working on overcoming these signs of codependence is the fastest way to improve your success in life and create healthier and longer lasting relationships.
Codependency in Yourself. . .
Signs of Codependency in yourself in your marriage with Kim and Steve Cooper.
Check for the signs of codependency in your marriage with Kim and Steve Cooper.
Codependence Self Help . . .
Self Soothing is the most powerful skill you can learn to become more attractive and more successful in every aspect of your life.
I can sincerely say this to everyone . . . .
The true success story behind our work is Kim’s ability to see her own codependence. Once Kim understood the unhealthy pattern we created together, she was able to make the courageous changes in her life and in her outlook that was able to begin the process that eventually brought peace to our home.
Steve
I recognise so many of my past relationship behaviours in this list; it is fascinating to look back on that part of my life from where I am now. You are absolutely right - the key to progress (and healing) is change. In my case, I took a long hard look at myself and decided that the pain of changing would cause less emotional turmoil than the pain of staying stuck in a co dependent relationship with a narcissist. You will understand that this was much harder than it sounds put down in that one sentence and happened over several tough years. I did a lot of research and using your website was part of that. Two years on and I have made many changes; I have dumped the narcissist (he was unwilling to accept that I had changed or the boundaries I put in place and stuck to). I am now engaged to a kind, loving man with whom I have an open and honest relationship built on love and trust. My happiness, peace and gratitude come from within and I have a renewed faith in God, myself and life. Thank you for your part in that journey
Thanks for sharing Clare and so glad to hear that you have found the silver lining 
HI, Yes…..It takes two to tangle. N and C are attracted and both need help, not just one person. It is hard when I hear people say they are the victim always and don’t realize their part in the match. The N maybe the predator when dating, but if the C was not so easy to con/charm and they if they knew the red flags and if they were a whole person they would move on and not marry the N. or learn better how to make it work perhaps. I feel sorry for both the N and C. Both want a good life and not know how to get it. N/C in marriage may both get hurt, not getting what they hoped for. To demonize the N and not think the C has anything to do with it is blind. Many on Youtube want to think only the N is the problem. They vent and if you point out they are part of the problem they think you are abusing the victim all over again. They want validation for the hell they went through and don’t want anyone saying they are part of the problem and need to also change. If the C doesn’t change they will attract another N and get more hell. Thanks for being the model couple to help others! I appreciate all your awesome help! Happiness….
Psyschosomatic is usually a term doctors use when they don’t know how to help a person who is not feeling well. Narcisissist and codependents maybe undiagnosed Celiac which may cause many brain/body health issues. Most doctors are blind to Celiac and don’t even mention it and tests may not work to diagnose it. I need no gluten (wheat/barley/rye…oats may act like gluten with avenin)…vitamins/good oils/minerals…probiotic…LDN..detoxing to be ok. Stress may use up B vitamins and zinc. Gluten may hurt the intestines so less nutrients absorb..then cells are not made right to work right and health issues may kick in. Gluten may lower the immune system and thyroid/adrenals etc. All cells are affected in the brain/body by Celiac. Cyrex lab tests may work better than other tests for Celiac. Tests may say a person is not Celiac, when they are. Biospies may not help. Not eating gluten for a few weeks and then eating it again may help a person see if it is affecting them. Hidden gluten in nuts not sold in the shell/meat basting/some spices/food in a box/label…and certified gluten free may have 20ppm of gluten which may hurt. Microscopic gluten may hurt people. Celiac people may have addictions/abuse/have depression/be suicidal/have low energy/lose hair and get many health issues. Any person who goes to a counselor may be Celiac since it affects the brain.
Yes…people may want a Hero and someone who makes them happy and meets their needs like the movies. Marriage with an equal partner is good. Wanting a Hero maybe like wanting the partner to parent them.
I watch a N flirt with many women and all dress up for him. He may make them all think he is their soul mate as he mirrors them and compliments them. It is sad to see since all these women may end up being dumped by him eventually and the “high” will be eventually “low” for the rest of their life thinking he was the best guy ever in their life and they can’t date others due to their experience with him which was not “normal”, but was a act that he used to attract them and try to keep them in his life since he is lonely. He wants all women and back up, but all may get real sad eventually. He is like a predator that brings sunshine into their lives and then hell as he runs when they like him too much.
My ex husband was mildly N and I paid all the bills/cleaned/helped the kids etc…easily ride for him and he left when I got sick…health collapsed due to undiagnosed Celiac and food/sex ran out and eventually I lost my job and insurance ran out. When all the supply ran out he wanted a divorce. I don’t want him back after figuring out my health, but yes a “sick” relationship can make a person sick, but usually they were already undiagnosed Celiac, but no one helped them with that. I have heavy metals build up/low thyroid/MS/Lyme/depression etc. due to being Celiac. I worked 90 hours a week/tried to be a “superwomen” and burned out and health gave out after having 2 babies in a row which drained vitamins/good oils out of me and I was already low in nutrients due to intestines not absorbing due to gluten hurting me due to Celiac. People may heal their Celiac and then find a healthy relationship next time if they can not be attracted still to the N.. due to unresolved issue with parents.
Thanks for your awesome help. You were the first person to help me understand what I was dealing with and give it a name and get me starting in my healing. I appreciate your wisdom/information/insights. Happiness….
Thanks Shasha, It is great that you have recovered and are strong again  Your messages made me smile – it is nice to hear from you and so good that you are sounding so strong and positive 
Thank yoou for allowinng me to be a part of tnis survey.
Do you have addictions that you blame on the bad behaviour of husband, wife or children?
NO
Do you find yourself expecting your husband or wife to be kind and play fair even after they have given you no reason to trust them?
HMMMMM. I WOULD NOT CALL IT ‘EXPECTING’ BUT I STILL DO PRAY! AND HOPE! 🙂 AND MY HOPE HAS BEEN RENEWED SINCE BEGINNING TO READ YOUR MATERIALS A FEW YEARS AGO AND APPLY THE PRINCIPLES! 🙂 THANKS!
Do you need your husband or wife’s approval to feel good about yourself and able to move on with your own goals and plans?
NO
Are your happiness and goals closely tied to what your spouse thinks of you?
NO NOT AT ALL.
Do you feel responsible for your husband or wife’s negative feelings?
NOPE! 🙂
If someone in your family is upset with you (or in a bad mood) do you find it difficult to stay focused on your own life and goals?
NOT NECESSARILY IF THEY ARE UPSET WITH ‘ME’ BUT IF THEY ARE UPSET OR HURT OR DOWN AT ALL.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THAT? I FEEL ‘SELFISH’ TURNING A DEAF EAR/EYE TO THEIR NEEDS.
I OFTEN DROP EVERYTHING I AM DOING AND ATTEND TO THEM EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICALLY (TRUTHFULLY EXCEPT! FOR MY N HUSBAND. FOR HIM I DON’T DO IT! INTERESTING….. JUST REALIZING THAT. HUH.)
Do you believe your partner guessing your needs is a sign of love?
WELL, I DO BELIEVE THAT HEALTHY HUMANS HAVE EMPATHY, THE ABILITY TO CARE ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT WHAT OTHERS ARE FEELING. I REALIZE THAT ‘N’S CANNOT DO THAT. BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT. STEVE, DO YOU DO THAT NOW? HAVE YOU DEVELOPED EMPATHY OF SOME SORT? IT SEEMS YOU HAVE……..BUT I COULD BE WRONG. I REFUSE TO ‘ACCEPT’ THAT MY ‘N’ CANNOT CHANGE ‘SOMEDAY’. FOR HIS SAKE! AS WELL AS ALL OF OURS! HE DOESN’T HAVE TO ‘GUESS’ MY NEEDS B/C I HAVE TOLD THEM TO HIM AND CONTINUE TO DO SO IN LOVE. HE OFTEN WILL DO WHAT I ASK HIM TO DO B/C HE CARES ABOUT ME (NOW) AS BEST HE CAN. I GIVE HIM ALOT OF SLACK BUT I DON’T WANT TO ‘LABEL’ HIM IN SUCH A WAY AS HE WILL ‘ALWAYS’ BE THIS WAY. I AM HOPEFUL HE WILL GROW AS STEVE HAS! 🙂 BUT YES, OVERALL, I DO BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE WHO ‘REALLY’ LOVES ME WILL ‘READ’ ME/STUDY ME AND BE ABLE TO KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME BETTER (IN WAYS THAT MEAN LOVE TO ME. 🙂 THAT IS ALSO HOW I LOVE OTHERS. TRYING TO STUDY THEM AND ANTICIPATE NEEDS. TRULY SELFLESSLY BLESS THEM……
Do you expect support from your partner without asking, and get upset if they don’t guess what you need?
I GET WHAT YOU ARE GETTING AT HERE AND I CERTAINLY AGREE THAT NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO PLAY A GUESSING GAME WITH US TO DETERMINE WHAT WE NEED/WANT. BUT, AS I SAID ABOVE, I THINK IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE BOTH PARTNERS SEEK TO CARE FOR EACHOTHER. THAT IS THE GOAL. THOUGH N’S FAIL AT THIS (MORE THAN NON N’S) IT IS STILL ‘RIGHT’ AND ‘GOOD’ TO DO (SUPPORT EACHOTHER)
I AM DEALING WITH SOME ISSUES NOW IN MY EXTENDED FAMILY AND I WANT TO SHARE WITH MY N HUSBAND BUT SADLY I KNOW HIS RESPONSE WILL BE ANGER. SO I DON’T SHARE WITH HIM (YET) BUT SOME DAY I DO HOPE TO BE ABLE TO SHARE WITH HIM AND HAVE HIM CARE AND MAYBE PRAY WITH ME OR AT LEAST CONNECT ABOUT IT/SEE HIM BEAR SOME OF THIS BURDEN WITH ME. (ESP ABOUT SOME OF OUR KIDS DOING WAYWARD THINGS) ANYWAY……..
Are you emotionally demanding – using your moods to manipulate your partner into giving you love? i.e. “I am sad, so you should take care of me!”
NOPE. NOT ANY MORE. 🙂
Do you suffer from an illness that is perhaps psychosomatic, where you have become sick because you are not getting the love and attention you feel you need?
HMMMMMM THIS IS AN INTERSTING ONE. I AM SUCH A MARTYR TYPE PERSONALITY TYPE BEFORE EVEN MEETING MY HUSBAND THAT IT IS HARD TO TELL IF SOME OF MY ISSUES TODAY ARE DUE TO LIVING WITH HIM? OR THINGS FROM BEFORE HIM? BUT I DO HAVE TMJ /CLENCHING ISSUES. 🙁 SO MAYBE????? BUT DOESNT PSYCHOSOMATIC MEAN THAT THEY ARE ALL IN MY HEAD? B/C THIS IS FOR SURE IN MY JAW ! ITS A MESS 🙁 I USUALLY HAVE HAD TO HAVE OTHER FRIENDS/FAMILY MEMBERS TELL ME THAT MY HUSBAND IS NOT TREATING ‘ME’ RIGHT. I TEND TO ONLY HAVE NOTICED OVER THE YEARS THAT HE ISN’T TREATING KIDS RIGHT. OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. OR WORK ASSOCIATES OR OR OR. I DON’T TEND TO THINK ‘HE ISN’T TREATING ME RIGHT’ UNTIL RECENTLY. AND IN A GOOD WAY. IN A WAY THAT IS MAKING ME TAKE MORE PROACTIVE ‘ACTION’ AND NOT JUST ‘BE TREATED’ THAT WAY. IT’S WORKING! I LOOK FORWARD TO FINDING OUT WHAT IS CAUSING THE CLENCHING ‘SOME DAY’ OR HAVING IT MIRACULOUSLY HEAL ITSELF ALL TOGETHER! 🙂
Do you feel that your marriage partner has stolen your happiness?
NO
Do you long for a ‘hero’ to save you?
NO. ONLY JESUS HAS SAVED ME! YAY! 🙂
Do you spend your life just waiting for your partner to call?
HMMMM. THIS IS INTERSTING. WITH ALL I HAVE READ HERE I STILL DO WONDER ABOUT THIS ONE.
ON THE ONE HAND I TEND TO INITIATE ANY KIND OF CLOSENESS. BUT THER ARE DAYS (LIKE LATELY) WHERE I DO WISH! HE WOULD INITIATE ‘SOMETHING’. A DATE OR TALK TIME OR SOMETHING.
I HAVE NOTICED THAT I HAVE COME TO ENJOY MY ALONE TIME TOO MUCH (!) AND SO WHEN HE IS DISTANT/SELFISH I HAVE LEARNED TO DO ‘ME’ TIME. AND I ENJOY IT.
BUT I KNOW OUR MARRIAGE NEEDS WORK/TALKING /SPENDING TIME TOGETHER.
SO I KNOW I SHOULD BE INTIATING (AND WHEN I DO IT IS GOOD) BUT I FIND I OFTEN SELFISHLY DON’T WANT TO! ENJOYING MY ALONE ‘ME’ TIME A LITTLE TOO MUCH!
I KNOW I SHOULD APPROACH HUBBY FOR SOME ‘US’ TIME BUT I DONT WANT TO.
SO I GUESS IN A WAY I AM ‘WAITING’ FOR HIM TO INITIATE SOME TIME. I AM NOT PUNISHING HIM THOUGH (LIKE I HAVE DONE IN THE WAY PAST) INSTEAD IT IS JUST A COMFORTABLE SORT OF ARRANGEMENT THAT WE ARE VERY SEPARATE IN THE E VENINGS. BUT I DO HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO GET STRONG AND BEGIN TO INITIATE MORE. B/C IT REALLY DOES HELP ‘US’. I AM JUST BEING SELFISH ENJOYING MY ALONE TIME TO READ BLOGS LIKE THIS! HA HA
THANKS FOR THIS SURVEY. SOME GOOD REMINDERS. 🙂 THANKS FOR YOUR WONDERFUL MINISTRY. IT HAS HELPED ME ALOT!
Being married to a narcissist for 35 years & separating 4 years ago (almost) my husband still stays in contact with me. I am your typical co-dependant. Just when I think I am ready to move on he pleads with me to come home. It has been hard to leave behind my beautiful home in the country & live a frugal existence & I still feel so tempted to give it one last try. But when the time comes to give it a try I find an internal struggle that paralyses me. Perhaps I sound like a very needy person but I try to keep these struggles to myself. 35 years is a long time to be controlled by someone else in an adult/child relationship as although we have been separated he still managed to control in his own way & it’s not easy to break free. Feeling very worn out & tired. Feeling like I have lost my sparkle. I usually hide my true feelings & tomorrow I will probably feel guilty for being so honest.
Hi Pam, There is no guilt in honesty! It takes patience and time to learn emotional regulation. This is when we learn to NOT to let our emotions dictate our actions in the moment - but we DO take time out later to consider what they are telling us and decide what course of action is necessary.
I wonder what it would take for you to learn to interact with your husband without allowing him to control you?