Some Hard Truths About Protecting Our Children

Criminology & Child Abuse

For over 30 years society’s interest in criminology has focused almost solely on psychopaths, but finally, the much higher number of child molesters in our society is at last being exposed to the light of day.

Hopefully this is positive news for all of society and not just our kids.

One positive step forward is better criminal profiling of child molesters;

A Behavioural Analysis for Law enforcement Officers Investigating Child Sexual Exploitation (in cooperation with the Federal Bureau of Investigation) – https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/Digitization/149252NCJRS.pdf

The second is the few brave professionals who have come out in support of offering treatment and support options for pedophiles looking for help before they offend:

The Counterintuitive, Distressing but Necessary Way to Stop Childhood Sexual Abuse: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2012/09/stop_childhood_sexual_abuse_how_to_treat_pedophilia_.html

Our Entire Society Has Been Groomed

Most of us know by now that child molesters ‘groom’ their victims. We are told this includes gifts, attention, sympathy etc. Few will warn you, however, that grooming extends beyond the intended victim and includes the family and even society as well.

The most prolific child abusers are pedophiles and over the last decade we have begun to learn that they:

• Often work in positions of influence and authority
• Tend to be well networked with each other for protection and support
• See parents (or a sole parent) as the natural barrier to them gaining access to their victims

Because of this, pedophiles are often in a position to undermine Mother and Father’s emotional connection with their children; their standing in society and authority in their homes.

Think of the poor parents trying to teach their children healthy eating habits based on sound nutrition and moderation; while Willy Wonka styled adverts beckon everywhere – telling kids that mom just wants to spoil their fun.

“I’m not going to do what you tell me!” drones hypnotically from the radio while “Freedom” is touted as the highest virtue in the land. But what does freedom have to do with learning to get along with people and live by your family and societies’ rules?

That hard stuff is left to poor mom and dad to teach the kids, and everyone knows Mom and Dad are a drag.

To compete with this onslaught of movies, music and advertising vying for their kids’ attention (often offering sympathy at Mom and Dad’s expense)  many parents have become permissive and either spoil their kids or become teachers by being a bad example so the kids on their own decide to find better ways to live.

Mother’s & Father’s Roles in Society Are Under Attack

You don’t believe me there is a conspiracy around this? In a society with a word for every kind of hate in the world, see if you can find a word for people who hate mothers or fathers? There are words for hating your own mother or father sure (the pedophiles want that) but nothing about hatred from anyone else. It is hard to accuse someone of undermining you – when you don’t have a word you can use.

In the case of mothers this hatred and denigration is extreme and has got to the point where many men are now choosing not to marry at all – because of the ‘obvious truth’ that women want to dominate and control their lives.

I wonder if these men’s “freedom” is really worth more in the long run, than being part of a secure and loving home?

“That’s not possible these days,” these men will say, but Steve and I believe that men have been duped.

The truth is ideals of freedom will never create the home life most of us still crave. What we need is to re evaluate our values and ideals and create partnerships formed around a just and effective decision making process and protective rules.

I am assisting Steve over the next few weeks as he puts together a program for men wanting to move into a more loving and mature style of leadership in their homes.

In the meantime we would like to add to the positive trend I have mentioned above with some hard truths about what we can do to protect our children in our homes:

1. Decide on just rules together with your wife or husband for your family and make sure they are enforced with patience and love. Children need to test boundaries as they mature and these tests need to be met with resistance combined with respect. Your kids might hate you for withdrawing privileges for a day or so – but they will get over it if you don’t go to pieces and both get on with your life.
2. Don’t play favourites with your children. This is a selfish game that has more to do with your own need to be loved than it does about loving your kids. The child who is left out in this game will be vulnerable to exploitation from someone who pretends to care more than Mom or Dad.
3. Don’t let your children ‘play’ you and your spouse off against each other. You may disagree on the rules in your house and when and how they should be applied, but settle your differences in private and provide a united sense of strength and security for your kids.
4. Strengthen your partner’s position in your family. Father’s and mothers need to treat each other with a high level of respect for each other if they have any desire to live in a secure home.
5. Don’t let predators brainwashing tactics play you and your spouse off against each other. Men are not all ‘low minded idiots’ and women are not all ‘out to get you under their thumb’. Most people want little more than a comfortable place to live where they are treated with respect while they learn and grow.
6. If you suspect someone close to your family is grooming your child or children first never leave them alone together. Second, find a good time to send them the second article linked at the beginning of this story (about how to treat pedophilia) as your next line of defense. The article shows enough sympathy that most people should not consider it an attack. At best they may decide to get help and at worst they may decide to leave you (and more importantly) your child alone. This may leave you then to decide if there is anyone else you need to warn.

Unfortunately many abusers are not strangers to the family and so this next point is key;

7. Develop a relationship with your children based on trust and respect. Many victims of incest do finally reach out and ask for help, only to have their mother or father scold them for telling lies. With no protection the victim will then often change their story and say they made it all up.

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Steve and I are having a break from answering mail in the next few weeks, while we work on getting Steve’s new class up online. In the meantime have a great start to the holiday season and make sure you take care on the roads!