Why Marriage Counsellors, Psychologists & Psychiatrists Come to us with their Relationship Problems . . .
Your marriage problems may not be caused by bad things that happened in your childhood, but by the important relationship skills you missed out on learning growing up.”
By Kim Cooper
Why Some People Decide to Study Psychology
Quite a few mental health professionals have told me the same story . . . that most people decide to study psychology because they are looking to solve their own problems that are causing them emotional pain.
They study and go on to become professionals, without finding the answers they hoped for.
It’s Not About What Happened – But What Didn’t
I saw a moving documentary where the psychologist Gabor Maté said; “Abuse in childhood is when bad things happened that shouldn’t have – and good things that should have happened didn’t.”
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Psychologists and psychiatrists can certainly help with unresolved pain and confusion leftover from past trauma (we have an excellent program for this here), but if you struggle with your relationships, no matter how painful the trauma from your childhood, the trouble in your marriage may have been caused by something different.
Your marriage problems may not be caused by bad things that happened in your childhood, but by the important relationship skills you missed out on learning growing up.
I discovered these relationship skills have everything to do with healthy emotional regulation, which is also sometimes called emotional intelligence.
Many marriages fail because one (or both) partners have never had positive role models to learn good relationship skills from.
This modelling needs to happen consistently and also works best between people with an emotional connection. The obvious conclusion we can draw from this is that rather than sitting talking about your problems in a consultation room, the influence needs to start at home.
This is not something yet taught by standard psychology professionals and is why, because of the privacy of our website, very often they come to learn from us.