10 Steps to Overcome Codependence
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10 Steps to Overcome Codepecover of 10 Steps to Overcome Codependencendence

Attract Love & Respect

Do you feel your partner has stolen your happiness? Is your life spent waiting for them to call?

Do you regularly experience a sense of emotional neglect or neediness? Overcoming codependence is vital for success in your relationships and in all aspects of your life.

10 Steps to Overcome Codependence
Plus a self soothing audio tutorial by Kim Cooper

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End the Dance . . . 

Most destructive relationships feature a dance of narcissism and codependence between the two parties. Codependence is about immaturity in regard to managing one’s own emotional states and not allowing others room to do the same. Codependence kills love.

Learn How to Find Happiness and Satisfaction Within Yourself

If you regularly experience a sense of emotional neglect or neediness I believe you will benefit from the 10 steps which follow. Changing these habits will improve your emotional intelligence and maturity and bestow great benefits on every aspect of your life and relationships.

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Codependency Self Help (scroll right to left) . . .

This Post Has 27 Comments

  1. I am not a computer person and staying in front of it makes my eyes strain so bad. I am interested in purchasing any and every articles you have in a CD mode so I could play listen to it in my car. And I don’t know how to download? upload? anything on the computer or whatever gadgets. Please let me know how I could buy your products out of computer based reading or listening. Thank you.


    1. Hi Elvie, and thanks for your message.

      You have two options for our books and audio products. You can buy a hard copy or a download version, let me explain the difference.

      To purchase a hard copy version, make sure you select the blue buttons on the sales page (above).

      We have four of our books in print. Back From the Looking Glass, The Love Safety Net Workbook, Your Blind Spot, and 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence. 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a book with an Audio CD included in the back cover. These products are shipped with 4-6 business days in the USA.

      We also have two Audio Products on CD. Reconnect (a spoken word product with Kim and I, with a worksheet included) and Loveable Me (a CD of positive affirmations with a brain entrainment background). These products are also shipped within 4-6 business days.

      You can also create your own hard copies from our Instant Download options.

      The Instant Download versions (eBooks) are much cheaper and have exactly the same content. The eBooks can be saved on a small USB device at printed at your end very cheaply (such as a stationer or department store). The MP3 files (Audio Products) can also be saved to a small USB device or burned to a CD at home or at a store.

      To take advantage of these Instant Download options, select the Instant Download (cheaper) option on the sales page – the red button. After purchase you will be taken to a page to explain how to save your purchase to your computer or device.

      I hope that answers your question Elvie, if you would like to ask another question please send me a message at stevecoopersemail@gmail.com

  2. You are implying that victims of abuse from narcissists is partly the victim’s fault because the victim is codependent.

    You are, quite unfortunately, relying on a misogynist model that is destructive to victims. The “codependent” model as you describe it here is being revised by leading organizations who have moved to more aware understanding of the dynamics of abuse, whether inflicted by a narcissist or an active addict — and to neurological damages to cognition the victim suffers as target of an abuser.
    Please stop victim blaming.

    1. I understand how you feel Anna, it can be uncomfortable to give up the role of victim. I could have remained a victim but instead decided to stop looking for sympathy and instead I was going to be victorious. Because really this is not about blame at all, it is a decision about practical outcomes. If you are in the ring with a lion you better stop worrying who is to blame and figure out how to take control of the situation so you don’t end up the lion’s dinner.
      I can’t help wondering where you think the neurological damage begins and ends? Isn’t it abuse that makes people into narcissists in the first place? And where do you think the damage heals – if victims sit (or run) passively waiting for a hero or saviour? Looking around at the world do you see much justice?
      The fact is that both parties in the sad ‘dance’ of family abuse are often abusers. With the abuse occurring in different ways. As long as I considered myself purely an innocent victim I stayed powerless in my situation. When instead I looked for the ways I could become more emotionally mature and better at setting boundaries this protected and strengthened me while also helping Steve and our children.
      Was I to blame for Steve’s actions? No, but I was finally able to see how acting like an emotional vampire was hurting my family and leaving me open to exploitation. It was hard to step out of the victim corner – but in the end I really had no other choice remaining if I was going to save myself and my kids from the hell our lives had become. It was hard to step out of the victim corner – but the truth is that even if what Steve was doing was totally wrong, I myself was not blameless.
      I stopped thinking I needed his love to heal me and instead started loving myself. This didn’t leave him any more or less to blame for his actions but is certainly made me stronger, healthier and a better role model to lead my family to healing.

      1. Hello,

        I am dealing with these issues. Although, I do not want to be a victim nor do I use my conversations with friends to gain sympathy merely speaking to retain my sanity. I am at the end of my relationship and my so called pretend partner is about to bring his parents from Iran. I have been waiting for this moment for awhile because I must confront his father regarding all the abuse as he was the one who said I would not have to worry about a thing if anything would happen within our relationship. Unfortunately, I fell for the pretend man again. This is my second go around. I second guessed myself because I thought perhaps he has changed he is much older now and someone cheated on him so now he knows how it feels. So if figured people change and I came back with open mind and heart. Of course I had already established myself I had my own house, car and financially able. I did all that on my own with our son. As I am sure you can imagine that now I am complete opposite of being entangled with him for 8years now. Last 2 1/2 years I have been very depressed and just struggling. I have wanted to leave for the past 2 years but I know he wants me to walk out on my own. Without helping me to get on my feet. after I gave away everything I owned to move into his home with all the promises. He wants me to run out of here with nothing and I do not want to do this! Something inside of me just want to stay and fight for what is right! meanwhile, I am paying him no attention whatsoever. He tried flipping on me again trying to play the nice guy but I am empty inside. I do not feel a thing for him. I have NO sympathy for him. He has killed all of my feelings inside for him but not for me. I am SO SICK of him and his sick twisted ways. I know that this is going to be difficult because once I open up to his father I know I must leave after regardless they help me or not. I cannot live like this anymore. Our son is in college and I thought he would be so happy to be away but all he does is worry about me. You know as a mother I thought just get him to college and he will be free. He will be happy and relaxed. He is also dealing with anxiety and depression and his college studies are suffering. I love myself and at times I feel so strong! but sometimes I just really cannot believe I thought a monster like him would change.

        1. Hi Sam,

          You should not place so much faith in his father. Your husband would not be the way his is if his father was able to stand up to him. Your husband didn’t change – but what about you? You know how to be strong on your own but now you need to learn how to be strong when you are with your husband.
          Stop waiting for him to change or his father to help you. Please subscribe at the bottom of this page and read our introductory lesson and then get special offer number 1. These two books are short and to the point and will give you the steps you need to help yourself!


      2. Kim,
        Your last few paragraphs make so much sense. I do have to looking at him and the cheating and narcissistic behaviors as everything that makes me sad, as I now see my codependency and how I need to heal me. I so feel that I never needed that emotional connection for twenty some years of marriage and like my Therapist said never showed the codependency because I was so wrapped up in raising kids, building a career that it gave me what I needed, what he was incapable of giving and now I need it, as I feel less loved after his cheating.

        I agree we have to step out of the victim role and become the survivor and stronger for ourselves and family.

      3. Hi Kim
        Thank you for your wise answer. It reminds me of someone who said relationships aren’t 50/50- each party must take 100 % responsibility.
        It is human to want to be loved by your partner and when you are not, and you are abused, the anger can make you self- sabotage. This is what I did and I have spent the last 3 years learning to think better, and sabotage my self sabotage. I don’t feel anger towards my ex-partner anymore , and I recognise the hurtful things I did.
        Meanwhile he has been in and broken off another relationship. I do believe if people follow your advice they could save their relationships. We were together for 29 years, and I have a frank relationship with our 3 grown children who watched us through all our struggles (ouch!). They all know that if they act like us they will not have successful intimate relationship. Thankfully they are listening to, trying to learn and practice a better way. They will be OK with the help of you and others like you.
        For me, I continue to do affirmations, meditate, pray and change. I have made some healthy friendships, as I had isolated myself so much.
        I still struggle, so I would encourage others to accept they are able to take charge in their lives, as early as possible.
        We all have our own journey, but we must be honest with ourselves.
        Keep up the good work!!

    2. I am experiencing What Steve and Kim are conveying. The co dependent is in the same position as the narcissist; on opposite ends of the spectrum. Only until I, the co dependent realized how I fueled my husband did I begin to heal and share how I injured him. We are separated and actually filed for divorce today, but are stronger than ever to start over. We decided to cut the physical cord of enmeshment; being alone, growing in our knowledge of what we need to do to grow into healthy adults individually, sharing our knowledge and growing slowly. We live for the day and do not expect anything from the other. We live with what IS. We are both excited to see how it all shakes out but know the end will be sooooo much healthier than being bitter and claiming the victim card.

  3. Kim,
    I am at my breaking point. Depression, isolation, feeling lonely, angry at him, a hear packed with hate…that’s how I feel. I cannot afford therapy. He has control of my money. Although the would love to see me going through so he could use it against me calling me crazy and justify that whatever goes wrong in our lives is my fault only. The more I try to please him to higher he raises the bar. I’m so tired. I cry with dry eyes because I got no tears left. Tonight I concluded to make a decision. If I leave I go with nothing. Empty heart and empty hands. I have 3 children from a previous marriage. I give him all my money and if I want to buy something I have to ask permission. If I do dare to spend money without his approval I’m being accused of stealing from him. If I stay I need to learn how to fight back. When I say fight don’t mean argue with him. I want to learn how to cope with it. I am praying God will open his eyes to see that he’s hurting people. He is on dating sites luring women into seeing him and then he drops them after he got no more use of them. I wish I could warn these women but can’t. I forgot how to genuinely laugh or maintain a friendship. I lost a lot of me. Reading your site brings some hope and confirmed my concerns.

    1. Hi Anastasia,

      You need to stop worrying about softening his heart and start taking care of you.

      Please join the email list on the front page of this website and start working through the steps. You will learn in the intro lesson that you trying to please him when he is doing what he is will only make you look weak in his eyes.

      Joining our list will also give you a discount on Back From the Looking Glass and 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence. You need these steps urgently.
      If he accuses you of stealing his money just say, “Yeah sure” and laugh at him. (But please make sure you and your kids are safe).

      With no money you are not in a position to go. You need to stop worrying about staying or going and start getting stronger instead. Once that becomes your focus the rest will will come.

      Hang in There!


      1. Thank you Kim. I did download Back from the looking Glass. I will take the codependent as well. I know I can’t feed his ego but if I don’t serve as a supplier he will find another and kick me out of the house. I’m learning to get strong. You are right but hard not to have my focus on him. Thank you

        1. Hey you hang in there and work through the steps in both books. Building a safety net in your community is vital! Are you part of our secret facebook group? There are lots of people there that will help support you through this time – but you need to do the hard stuff yourself 🙂

  4. Can I purchase any of your resources without using paypal method. I am struggling to process the payment because my paypal account has been blocked.

    1. Hi Tim,

      The easiest way to bypass Paypal is to purchase a VISA gift card from your local store. This will give you a ‘fresh’ credit card number that Paypal will not recognize as part of your blocked Paypal account.
      Once you have purchased the card –

      1- Go back to the top of this page and select your choice of download or hard copy.
      2- In the shopping cart overlay screen, ensure your selection is correct, then click the gold button, ‘Check out with Paypal’
      3- On the right hand side of the page is a heading that says, ‘Choose a way to pay’. Under that is a ‘Log in to Paypal’ field. Under that field is another option to ‘Pay with a credit or debit card’, select this link.
      4- From here you can enter your details and the VISA GIFT CARD numbers. This will allow you to proceed without logging into Paypal.

      *The only problem you might encounter is if you enter your email address attached to your blocked Paypal account. It might be easier for you to simply use another email account if you have one. If not, it is quite fast, easy and free to sign up for a free webmail account with gmail, yahoo, hotmail, etc etc.

      If you are in Australia, we can accept a direct debit into an ANZ account. Please reply and let me know if you are in Australia as an eTransfer might be faster and cheaper for you than the Visa gift card option.

      Please feel free to reply if this is in anyway unclear, we’d be happy to look at other options for you but I think you’ll find these options are by far the easiest. 🙂


  5. I have to say that other than the States I’m amazed at the number of Aussies involved in coaching and counselling and particularly two big ones that are widely acknowledged on Narcissism! Anyway glad I found this because I could not accept no hope for narcissist or relationship with one. There are 3 real options I can see … Your approach, judicious use of oxytocin ( very related to vagal tone and the one drug option I believe has serious promise) and homoeopathy. Everyone, including Sam vaknin (albeit he is married to a ‘strong codependent’), delivers a very gloomy pic but you

    Thx for this site …

  6. I am a licensed mental health professional so can validate that there is little hope out there for a narcissist to ever change. My profession makes it even more isolating to ever admit to anyone that I missed the signs the early on and ended up in a 15 yr relationship and 11 yr marriage with an emotionally abusive narcissist. Your story is inspiring and validates what I always thought could be true. While I do not consider myself codependent and often wish he would he would just find someone else and leave (so he doesn’t spend the rest of our children’s lives telling them mommy is the one who tore our family apart) I know that my aggressive reactions only fuel the fire, but my anger is so deep I can hardly control it. I tell myself I can’t do this to my kids until I know I’ve really tried with everything I have to make it work, so you’ve given me some hope that there are resources out there that just might help me really help myself. All, although divorce is common, it is traumatic for kids second only to death of a parent. And if you are with a narcissist and have children together, he will not go away and will only make your life more miserable with endless court battles and manipulation of your innocent children, and you will lose even more control of what he does to them when he has them. Of course as Kim said, if you are in physical danger, that is very serious, and a different story. You need to protect your children and you. My husband hit me once 2 yrs ago. I called the police, he went to jail and a did a year probation. I allowed him to experience the consequences. He’s never touched me again, probably only out of fear about his own reputation. I’m not naive enough to think it could never happen again, but the risks in leaving keep me here. (Keep your friends close and your enemies closer).

  7. Hi, I purchased the download version of this product but my browser crashed after I paid but before I was able to download it. How can I get it?

      1. Hello I have Questions can this help me save my marriage with my Narcissist husband. He has decided that I’m to broken and so disobedient to him. He no longer wants to be married to me anymore. Were spreated but still live to gather. He still at time tell me what I can and can’t do but it’s not as bad as when he still wanted me. But he still a big Bully to me. Doing and saying things that our Direct or under handed to hurt me emotionally or to push my buttons so I snap on him. He tell me he loves me but not in that way anymore more we been marry for 6 years know each other for 7 year’s. He has a trust issue since I met him always claiming that anything he said to do wasn’t done it. It wasn’t done out of Spite. I love him so much and he knows that. He doesn’t understand way I just don’t leave him. He has told me before that he try to run me out of house to make stop loving him. By acting so ugly to me. Can this help me and him. Both me and my husband have never knew anyone physically other than each other. When we got marry we were both Virgins. I love my husband so much but he hates when I dare to tell him what to do or to get on to him about his behavior.

        1. Hi Jerusa, The steps we offer will help you learn to focus better on your own life and goals. This will make you stronger, happier and more attractive. Whether or not your husband’s behaviour changes, as a result of this, is something I cannot say.

          These steps, however, are really your only hope and will put you in a much better situation than you are right now.

          Him trying to control your behaviour with his anger is something you need to become prepared to safely resist. If he wants your cooperation he needs to treat you with compassion and respect.

  8. Hi, I dont know if it is possible to Ask question through here but I will try. I live in Norway with my three beautiful children. I just read your book back from the looking glass. I can very much relate to your story, the big problem for us is that we already are separated, me and my husband, but we have been together for 2 years now trying to find our way back. unfortunately it always end with a break for some weeks were I again Ask him to give it A chance. He has told me the past two years that this can go both ways, and sadly I accepted it. I resently told him he need to respect me as his wife and now he does not want to talk to me for a while.. again. I am scared to be left alone, something he has done mann times now. I so badly want things to Change so I was Wonder if you have written any books or know about any place where I can find information in my case where we not live together anymore and I can Get help to heal myself and our marriage? Your book is the only place I have found hope. Christine

    1. Hi Christine, As you have discovered it is very difficult to set boundaries with someone who just runs away. I don’t have any specific advice to offer your situation. Working on your codependence will help you regardless of which way things go. Protect your time and your money and make sure you enjoy time with your beautiful children. Your husband needs to prove his commitment to you with actions and not words.

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