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The Man Who Won’t Commit Emotionally (or whose eyes keep straying)

Revised and republished from The Narcissism Daily Mirror

women’s tendencies are to want to pull this guy’s emotional profile apart and try and figure out what makes him tick, but I will leave that subject to the psychiatrists.  Instead I want to offer some straightforward advice on what actions you can take to draw a man closer, commit emotionally and want to spend the rest of his life with you.

The ideas I will suggest here will work best when practiced in tandem with the rest of our program, particularly if you are in a relationship where love has turned sour and there is a lot of anger and abuse going on. Learning to limit physical abuse if it is present should take priority over anything else and if you are experiencing this I suggest you purchase and read our ebook Back from the Looking Glass immediately and start working through our 13 steps to a peaceful home.

I know a lot of readers here are already working through those steps, so today I want to offer some specific advice to help the man in your life decide that he wants to draw close to you emotionally and physically.

The first thing I want to share is a bit delicate I guess but I had better just come right out and say it . . .

Back when Steve and I were fighting, I was blaming him for running emotionally hot and cold and having his eye on other women. Now although this was true, I was like a bad guitarist that instead of seeing I needed music lessons, was blaming my guitar for the nasty sounds coming out of it 🙂

Emotional Abuse?

As tough as it is to say, I have found that most people claiming they are being emotionally abused, are in fact using their emotions in manipulative ways that destroy love.

Unfortunately many women consider their emotions tools they can use to elicit an emotional or care-taking response . . .

  • I am sad: so if you love me you should cheer me up . . .
  • I am angry: so if you love me you should let me have my way . . .
  • I am distressed: so if you love me you should drop everything and take care of me . . .

This in fact is emotional abuse, because the person attempting this is actually abusing their own emotions by using them incorrectly.

If this is you please know there is no shame in this, it could simply be that you learned this is behavior from imitating an emotionally immature parent while growing up.

Emotions are in fact internal signals that are there to let you know there is a situation which may need attention in your life.

An adult who possesses emotional intelligence (ie. is emotionally mature) will in most cases heed this signal and then soothe themselves and regain their composure without needing help from anyone. Later they will figure out what this emotion is signaling, and what might need to be done.

Any action that is needed should not be decided in the heat of the moment.

To understand this, imagine you in fact have two brains. One which we call your ‘hare brain’, that gets switched on when you are emotional and doesn’t make the same quality of decisions your other brain (your prefrontal cortex or ‘tortoise brain’) does. You need to also understand it’s very hard to access information from both of these brains at once.

For instance, anger does not mean you should hit or yell at someone (to stop being taken advantage of) as your hare brain might tell you. Instead your tortoise brain will better understand that a real boundary needs to be set . . .  and you can rarely set boundaries with anger!

For example, if your partner spending your money (without asking) is what initially triggered your anger  –  the action needed may be you denying them future access to your bank account.

You can understand that easily when you are calm – but what about when you are angry?

Sadness on the other hand may mean you need to accept something (or someone special) is gone from your life. Acceptance of this and allowing yourself to feel the grief will help you access the silver lining where you begin to see a new future.

There is more on this topic in our books “10 steps to Overcome Codependence“, “Emotional Stupidity” and “The Love Safety Net Workbook“,  but I hope the examples I have given help make my point.

Our emotions are not things we should need other people’s help dealing with on any regular basis. Unless we want to become a very difficult and demanding person to live with.

If you are in a painful relationship, learning the correct use of your emotions, to take control back of your own happiness, may be the best skill you ever learn.

Back when Steve and I were fighting I was making many mistakes with this every day and I talk a lot about the changes I made in my ebooks, but besides these (and all the other great resources I have recommended in the past), there was another ebook which did help me draw Steve closer.

It is the ebook by Christian Carter called “Catch Him and Keep Him“.

Now to be honest I find this title a little off-putting. To me it sounds aggressive and manipulative and not very feminine.  But back when living with Steve’s lack of commitment felt like a living in hell, I will admit I was so desperate that I was ready to try anything. I soon found out that it is true that you can’t judge a book by its cover. The truth is the ideas Christian shares are not aggressive or manipulative at all. Instead they turned my thinking around and helped me learn to “play” Steve in a way that got much sweeter music from him. Again that probably sounds manipulative, but the truth is Christian simply knows how to share what men really like (and don’t like) about women.

You see most men really DO want to commit and be close to a woman – but if you were misusing your emotions like I was, you may be unwittingly driving him away.

In my case Christian’s advice worked wonders and Steve sticks to me like glue now, and this from a man who used to say all women are b-t–es and who would rock the boat constantly!

So if you are having commitment problems, please check out “Catch Him and Keep Him” and read for yourself what Christian has to say. He is very straight forward and authoritative in explaining what men like and what they don’t and how to draw a man close and have him want to make a lasting and deep emotional commitment to you.

The links above are affiliate links and I hope you don’t mind that I get a commission on the sales on this title. You won’t find it cheaper anywhere.

I know I have been a bit quiet of late – but my mother has been sick and Steve and I have been busy working on his family leadership challenge!

Hang in there!

Kim Cooper

Kim Cooper

Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence.

A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows,
movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'.

This Post Has 7 Comments

  1. Hi Kim &steve. I have been living with this naritissic disorder for 30yrs he was so quiet before when 1st met but when it started it stared has no felling only for himself had too try too make it work with excesuses 4kids now adults everthing is 4 him no thanks have too remind him it is living HELL spareted 2times went back as I was raped by 6 youths @16yrs one was my boyfriend this is the people they love too abuse as they are already damaged hard too leave as frightened out there BUT I would love too be ME &FREE can’t tell professionals as I’ll have police involved so I silently die slowly outside &inside I don’t want too repair marriage as there is none only on paper &too other people’s view I’m glad that I became a Christian as Jesus helps me though this . Dreaming of freedom &what I would like myself if they can’t try too get help forget them ……dawn

  2. Hi Kim
    Several years back (2009) I bought all of your books and worked through them. My hope was to save my relationship and keep my family together. I realized the very thing that my husband loved about me the most was my independence. My training came from the 60ty’s where when you marry you hand over the reins to your husband for all final decisions. You worked as a team to get to that point but the final decision was his. My Co-dependency drove him crazy. I was wife number 5 (and no that wasn’t a warning signal at the time because each relationship could be explained reasonably and I had never experienced and unhealthy relationship before.) The more I placed on him the harder it was for him to manage his day. That’s when I turned to your website. Of course it was all his fault! I was a loving faithful wife, committed to my husband, home and children. I read “Back from the Looking Glass” and started doing the steps in it and joined an AL-Non group for support. A journey that saved me but not my marriage! His infatuation with me was gone and it did not matter the changes I made or encouragement I tried to give him in support all met with the same disillusioned result… his pattern of walking away or rather forcing the wife to leave him. I still love him and see all of his wonderful qualities, however I can only repair myself and if your partner doesn’t wish to take the journey with you there is nothing you can do to force them. AND yes I do consider myself broken. Not by him ,but from a life path ( the death of my mother when I was young, the sudden death of my first husband, the suicide of my eldest son, a troubled son who still struggles today) that brought me to him with a broken spirit that required nurturing. Yes I was independent, I had to be I was a single mother of two teenagers and struggling through a suicide when I met him. I placed upon him all of my needs and he graciously lead me through it for four years and then it was over. I finally gave up on our marriage after 17 years, took our two teenage sons and began looking after myself. 13 years of a bad marriage isn’t worth mentioning here, as I look back I see he tried the best he could to make things work.
    Thank you, Kim and Steve, your insight and honesty has helped me on my path to recovery. Learning about myself and the part I played in the destruction of my marriage has lead me to a better understanding of people, expectations from myself and of others. It may not have saved my marriage but it did save me. I share your web site with others who are struggling.

    1. I was try the 13 step back from the looking glass book but it my fault at the end. I wasn’t following the book like I should had. I got caught up with what I like about the book and what others told me as well as my busy life working 2 jobs and being a mother. I mess up I was trying get my husband family to hold him responsible for his actions. I wasn’t dealing will with my emotions, everything you said about being emotionally controlling and abusive. By wanting your partner to make you happy. Instead of dealing with the discomfort yourself. Is right, that unfortunately is who I am. So I had a big fight at a family event which was horrible and he said no more. I agree, but I’m sad because i have to live with my parents. But I feel better yet still hurting. I love my husband he tell me he still love me but only like a sister. This is so hard. But I’m so thankful for your books. Because there the only thing that actually agave me really hope. I pray that one day we can be together again we have 5 year son. It hurt I find my self at time feeling very lonely. Still plan to buy your other book. Because with out finding you I don’t know if I would still be here, I’m also suicidal. But I’m planning more forward. Wish me luck.

      1. Hi Jerusa,

        Hang in there 🙂 10 steps to Overcome Codependence might be the best next book to learn from. It is a hard road you are on right now but also a great time to learn how to deal with your emotions in a way that will cause less resentment. Your son will also benefit from the work you do becoming an emotionally mature mother!

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