women’s tendencies are to want to pull this guy’s emotional profile apart and try and figure out what makes him tick, but I will leave that subject to the psychiatrists. Instead I want to offer some straightforward advice on what actions you can take to draw a man closer, commit emotionally and want to spend the rest of his life with you.
The ideas I will suggest here will work best when practiced in tandem with the rest of our program, particularly if you are in a relationship where love has turned sour and there is a lot of anger and abuse going on. Learning to limit physical abuse if it is present should take priority over anything else and if you are experiencing this I suggest you purchase and read our ebook Back from the Looking Glass immediately and start working through our 13 steps to a peaceful home.
I know a lot of readers here are already working through those steps, so today I want to offer some specific advice to help the man in your life decide that he wants to draw close to you emotionally and physically.
The first thing I want to share is a bit delicate I guess but I had better just come right out and say it . . .
Back when Steve and I were fighting, I was blaming him for running emotionally hot and cold and having his eye on other women. Now although this was true, I was like a bad guitarist that instead of seeing I needed music lessons, was blaming my guitar for the nasty sounds coming out of it 🙂
As tough as it is to say, I have found that most people claiming they are being emotionally abused, are in fact using their emotions in manipulative ways that destroy love.
Unfortunately many women consider their emotions tools they can use to elicit an emotional or care-taking response . . .
- I am sad: so if you love me you should cheer me up . . .
- I am angry: so if you love me you should let me have my way . . .
- I am distressed: so if you love me you should drop everything and take care of me . . .
This in fact is emotional abuse, because the person attempting this is actually abusing their own emotions by using them incorrectly.
If this is you please know there is no shame in this, it could simply be that you learned this is behavior from imitating an emotionally immature parent while growing up.
Emotions are in fact internal signals that are there to let you know there is a situation which may need attention in your life.
An adult who possesses emotional intelligence (ie. is emotionally mature) will in most cases heed this signal and then soothe themselves and regain their composure without needing help from anyone. Later they will figure out what this emotion is signaling, and what might need to be done.
Any action that is needed should not be decided in the heat of the moment.
To understand this, imagine you in fact have two brains. One which we call your ‘hare brain’, that gets switched on when you are emotional and doesn’t make the same quality of decisions your other brain (your prefrontal cortex or ‘tortoise brain’) does. You need to also understand it’s very hard to access information from both of these brains at once.
For instance, anger does not mean you should hit or yell at someone (to stop being taken advantage of) as your hare brain might tell you. Instead your tortoise brain will better understand that a real boundary needs to be set . . . and you can rarely set boundaries with anger!
For example, if your partner spending your money (without asking) is what initially triggered your anger – the action needed may be you denying them future access to your bank account.
You can understand that easily when you are calm – but what about when you are angry?
Sadness on the other hand may mean you need to accept something (or someone special) is gone from your life. Acceptance of this and allowing yourself to feel the grief will help you access the silver lining where you begin to see a new future.
Our emotions are not things we should need other people’s help dealing with on any regular basis. Unless we want to become a very difficult and demanding person to live with.
If you are in a painful relationship, learning the correct use of your emotions, to take control back of your own happiness, may be the best skill you ever learn.
Back when Steve and I were fighting I was making many mistakes with this every day and I talk a lot about the changes I made in my ebooks, but besides these (and all the other great resources I have recommended in the past), there was another ebook which did help me draw Steve closer.