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Is Your Marriage Filled With More Hurt Than Love?

Narcissism in Your Marriage

  • You give your marriage your best, but it is never enough
  • You feel neglected & in emotional despair
  • Your arguments go round in circles & never get resolved
  • You are worried you both need years of therapy
  • You sometimes worry, “Maybe it’s me who’s causing the fights?”

Steps to Peaceful Home - Beyond Marriage CounsellingOur best seller—now in its 11th edition

Narcissism in Your Marriage Looks Like This . . .

narcissistic personality disorder looks like this - man yelling at woman

Your Partner Treats You Different in Private than in Public

In public they act like the perfect husband or wife  . . . but in private are sarcastic, haughty and insulting, criticising you and putting you down. No one is safe from their criticism . . .  putting down family and friends behind their backs.

A person with signs of narcissism will often act like they are better than you, showing little regard for your feelings or well-being. They may be arrogant, aggressive and controlling; or withdrawn and unavailable. They will usually show favouritism between your children.

Their criticism and insults may cause you and/or your children to feel hurt and rejected and can even lead to mental health and psychological problems and addictions within your family.

A person with signs of narcissism will get angry when they are questioned and believe they deserve things they haven’t earned. They may also trade off other people’s reputation and hard work and tell lies and manipulate people to get attention. At the same time, they will act charming and perfect to the outside world and make other people believe they are a wonderful father or mother or an all-round great guy or gal.

You may fear that people won’t believe you if you let them know how this person talks to you in private—or if you share the terrible things they say behind other people’s backs.

Unfortunately, That’s Not All

A narcissistic partner will paint a bad picture of you to their family and friends. They will do this to try to gain sympathy and justify their bad behaviour.

You probably have no idea of all of the lies they are telling you and the lies and exaggerations they are telling other people about you.  A person blaming their own problems on other people is one of the major signs of narcissism.

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Fights About Money

Creating fights when you try to discuss money is one of the most common signs of unhealthy narcissism. They will pretend these fights are your fault. You should know that the fights might be a smokescreen to hide the fact they are hiding credit cards or money transactions.


Mind Elsewhere?

Because narcissists are skilled liars and are usually obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect relationship, you should be aware that they may have secret crushes or be having affairs, using pornography and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs without your knowledge . . .  If you notice their mind often appears elsewhere, and they show other signs of narcissism, you should know this may be the reason.

Obsession with fantasy is part of what makes a person with narcissistic tendencies unavailable, impatient and angry. It is one of the major signs of narcissism. You may not want to consider this possibility, I know I didn’t believe it until the evidence was right in front of me . . .  and then I was shattered.


Unfortunately, There’s More . . .

Not all narcissists are physically abusive, but a Narcissistic/Codependent Marriage is a significant indicator that you may end up part of a violent marriage.

The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist. It is normal to become angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down.

Narcissists have a much higher chance than average of being murdered when their partner finally gets fed up with being exploited and abused.

After years of their insults, rudeness and blaming you for everything that is wrong in their life, it is actually quite normal—especially if you discover that throughout all of this that they have been cheating on you—for you to wish them harm or even wish them dead. While understandable, this is obviously very serious and so getting the right help and support is important, but nearly be impossible to find.

We want to see you moving past feeling resentful and wanting to punish your partner—or wanting revenge—to feeling secure and good about yourself and moving into a new time in your life where you are loved, respected and valued in your home and community.

Dangerous Advice

There are people who will tell you that the only answer is to ‘leave and have no contact’, but this can be dangerous advice. This is exactly how to provoke and escalate rage and physical (and emotional) abuse and violence in couples with these problems. It can also result in stalking. Even worse—as the partner of a narcissist will often feel enraged at how callously their spouse can ‘cast them aside—the perpetrator of the violence and stalking might be you!

More people are killed or injured in domestic disputes when leaving their relationship—or in the two months after leaving—than at any other time.

If you want to leave, please first get our advice in Back From the Looking Glass on how to do this safely and get closure. You need to consider that moving somewhere else may put you on even less sure footing than you are already. Leaving is no guarantee the fighting will cease or that you will be safer. Instead, statistics show that it will often make the fighting worse and leave your children in more danger.

Your Children’s Safety

You may be able to get away, but will your children be safe visiting your partner without you there to supervise? And what about potential abuse down the line from step-parents? I am not telling you to leave or stay. What I am saying is that this is not an easy problem to solve and you need to be careful whose advice you listen to and make sure to think this through carefully.

When it comes to you and your children’s safety, statistics show the main issue is NOT whether you leave or stay. The main issue is that you resolve the conflict.

Statistically, the best result for your children is that you resolve the conflict and stay together, so of course, that is a great thing to aim for if possible. The worst outcome—statistically—is if you divorce and don’t resolve the conflict. So really this should be the option of last resort and only embarked upon with extreme caution.

If you understand this, you will see that people who tell you to just leave—without trying anything else to resolve the conflict—are telling you to settle for the worst possible option for you and your children’s safety and well being. Leaving without resolving the conflict may end up the only option left after trying everything else, but if this ends up the case—more than anyone—you will need our help and advice!

Don’t Use Leaving as a Threat

You should also know that leaving or threatening to leave is NOT a sure way of making your partner want to change and feel sorry about their behaviour. Don’t find out the hard way that threatening to leave is more likely to make the conflict worse and increase the potential for serious consequences. As this will leave your partner in a position where they feel they have nothing left to lose it can even lead to homicide/suicide.

NPD is not ASPD

Other dangerous advice you will read on the internet is that people showing signs of narcissism are in fact sociopaths (a type of psychopath or what is now known as antisocial personality disorder or ASPD). This disinformation was spread by a man who was later actually diagnosed ASPD—live on TV—and is not the truth about NPD. Narcissism is a very difficult thing to deal with in a partner—and you certainly shouldn’t try and handle this without help and advice—but despite a lot of confusion in the past, the latest DSM (official manual on mental illness) no longer classifies NPD as incurable.

For your interest here is a book review from our best selling title Back From the Looking Glass from a Clinical Psychotherapist who is a real expert in treating people with NPD.

Kim’s advice matches my 25 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist. In contrast to much of the misleading information on the internet that confuses the narcissist with a sociopath, Kim gives clear advice that offers realistic help and hope for people who struggle with narcissism in their relationships. Kim is right in her assertion that narcissism is created from attachment wounds and can be healed within the context of a healing relationship that allows healthy dependency and good boundaries. I am so grateful to have found Kim and I constantly refer my clients to her resources!

Lisa Charlebois
Clinical Psychotherapist
and author of “You Might Be a Narcissist If . . .”

Narcissism is Blind to Itself

Despite the hope we offer, you need to understand that narcissism is blind to itself and so you mustn’t expect your partner is ever going to want to fix this. Instead, we offer you training and skills that will help make you emotionally and physically safer and will eventually help bring you love and respect in your community and home. To achieve this you will first need to find the resolve and courage to end the conflict. This won’t happen from you complaining to your partner, playing counsellor or trying to please them. Instead, you are going to need to learn some new skills. I share a lot more about this—including a free short video—in our free introductory tutorial.

Do you sometimes worry that yourself or your partner will need years of therapy to get better? I once believed this was the only thing that would help us, but it was very different steps that turned our marriage around.

I struggled with this problem for years on my own and it was one of the hardest times of my life.

There is a lot of evidence that therapy is not successful in treating narcissistic personality disorder—so please don’t worry—you won’t need to try and coerce your partner into therapy.

A Reparative Relationship

Personality disorders are best helped with a reparative relationship. This is why we sometimes call our approach ‘parenting the adult’; Just as learning new parenting skills can help a child feel safe and learn better behaviour, I want to help you learn new ways of responding and relating to your partner that will help de-escalate the fights and also help you become a better parent.

I will share exactly what to do and give you each step in detail with all the common mistakes you should avoid.

I hope sharing our experience will protect you from some of the mistakes we made and the bitter and nasty people I ran into when I first discovered Steve’s narcissism. We have the information you need that you can put to use immediately and advice on how to find the best professionals to help.

I look forward to sharing the steps I took to fix our marriage even when everyone said it was hopeless.

It took us a long time to go public with our story, but after things had been better for a few years with us we decided we just couldn’t stay quiet any longer.

We saw so many people suffering we decided we just had to speak up. It was embarrassing at first, but receiving thank you emails every day has more than made up for how difficult it was to speak out.

Learn the 3 bad habits—most codependents do every day—that will eventually destroy your marriage:

For fifteen years, the Coopers have offered themselves as humble guides and mentors, helping families avoid cynicism and chaos. Leading the way as peer support specialists whose own family has traversed love's dangerous terrain.
Taking you to that place inside yourself that you can't go by yourself. Helping you get back in touch with the power of love within you to restore the sanity in your marriage whether you stay or leave.

This Post Has 78 Comments

  1. What a wonderful site! Stumbled across this by chance while researching NPD: my husband of 21 years is bipolar 1 with psychosis during the manic phase (sadly not officially diagnosed) and latent NPD; the last episode Jan-Aug this year was the worst of four recognised episodes over 16 years and has left him blaming me for the breakdown in our marriage and claiming the entire 26 year relationship was disastrous. Now setting up secret bank accounts, seeing lawyers in private and spreading the word to ALL family and friends that I am awful. And crazy lol.
    Luckily I am strong, smart, patient and have a superb network of close friends, plus a wonderful psychotherapist who can see the truth despite never having met my husband (who refused to see him after initially stating that he would – funnily enough!)
    I love your tone towards your relationship and the issues you both have faced: your warmth and compassion shine through; because while I remain 100% convinced that my (albeit amateur) diagnosis is correct and therefore my hubby is very VERY sick, I struggle to remain sympathetic at all times.
    I am looking forward to reading through the rest of your site.
    Thank you in advance and very best of love and good wishes for a continued successful and happy future together.
    Wish me luck..!

    1. Thanks for the kind words Andrea. We understand the struggle to remain sympathetic, it can be a difficult process at times, but it sounds like you are staying positive about yourself, that is so powerful! Steve

    2. I am living in a similar situation. Just yesterday I found a piece of mail I had been waiting for in his duffel bag while looking for the electric bill. I left it there and thought I would test him to see if he would simply say, “oh yeah, that came in the mail, its in my bag with tax stuff.” However, with this personality, his response was, “no, haven’t seen it.” I then thought in my head that magically it would “appear” in the mail the next day. Today when I came home, there it was, sitting on the counter. So, I asked, and his response of course was that it was so weird that it showed up today, after just talking about it yesterday. Later, I decided to just throw it out there and say I had seen it when looking for the electric bill. His response was, “I knew as soon as I took it out of the mailbox that you would accuse me of lying.” UGH.

    1. Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah can give you comfort. Pray for your husband but move out, but say you’re not divorcing him. Say you’re living on your own until he changes. Don’t do anything for him, except give him water if he is thirsty. That is it. You are like me, I THINK: YOU DO SO MANY THOUGHTFUL THINGS FOR HIM. WE GOT TO STOP. I WAS FOLDING MY HUSBAND’S UNDERWEAR AND REDID HIS SCRAPBOOKS WHILE HE WAS LUSTING AND INFATUATED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

      Either your husband is not worthy of you at all and would divorce you, or he would be sorry and miss you.

  2. I was in despair in 2009 in my marriage to my narcissistic husband, Gene.
    17 years of living with a narcissist had caused me to have health problems, stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, fear. That’s when I discovered Narcissism Cured. I purchased the online books and started applying the principles to my life. I would repeat to myself frequently throughout the day that I am lovely and reasonable and it helped me to remain calm.
    I felt very empowered, when talking with Gene, by using the magic scissors to stop the circular conversation and not be drawn in emotionally.
    My four children and I are healed emotionally and physically now. I am very grateful for the tools I learned from Kim and Steve Cooper and the support and encouragement I received from them and their story.
    Psalm 103 “praise the Lord O my soul and all that is within me, praise His holy name and do not forget one of his benefits.”

    1. Hi Laura,

      The magic scissors are really useful, right? So good to hear about your recovery, thanks for sharing!


    1. Hi Riomi,

      I will contact you via email with more info on your subscription. I am sure we’ll get you back up and running soon.

      Kind regards,


  3. I have been married to a NPD for 48 years in April. It has been the hardest thing I cam imagine having to deal with . We have 2 grown children and five granddaughters. Keeping the
    family together is the most important thing I can do. I have gone to counciling all my married
    life and all have said DROP him and get out as soon as possible. There was something inside me
    that couldn’t do that, I was rasied by my grandmother to be a family caregiver for all of our family no matter what. So what keeps me sane and all together is that I tret him as a mental patient it works. I look at him with lots of PITY cause he is a miserable man no doubt but I wont let it effect me with all his issues. My children know he is insane and so does the VA he was in the Viet Nam war as a gunner on helicopters. I have talked with his friends in helicopters and they are all nuts fighting the demons everyday. It’s a shame how so many things has broken this man including having a Mother and Father that beat him up all the time while he was young. I have read many books and got myself real educated and I just take each day as it comes. God bless all the people who have to deal with this type of people.

    1. Hi Cindi,

      I have been 38 years married to a NPD man and I know exactly what you meant ,going on therapy (counseling)for a couple of years I learn how to take care of me more , love myself firt ,and not so much the care giver to him ,that didn’t change him to treat me better or not to acuse me and contrary me on everthing and I’m convence that won’t happen and at the same time we are more distant to each other .
      Just trying to fine a way to go on but leaving with him at the same time ,,me too think that it’s too late for a divorce and feel that won’t be good for as .
      God Bless you ,me and all the people who Had to deal with NPD partner .

    2. I can totally relate to your life! Mine is your mirror! My husband did 2.5 tours in Nam! A marine in field artillery, was a little older than most. He was 23. Being older, a strong silent type. Made rank fast and was put in leadership roles he probably wasn’t capable but. He is rated 100% P&T.PTSD being part of his rating. In hindsight ? NPD was very apparent! However as it goes … As long as we served him ? He was very good to us. With one exception, if he was the one who hurt some , mostly me? He was angry and cruel if brought to his attention. We all learned very early to walk the eggshell game. That all came crashing whe he decided to have an affair with a 30 yr old VIETNAMESE girl . One who was airlifted as a infant from N. Vietnam Nam! With all our family suffered from his PTSD? This ripped our life, our marriage,and our family totally apart. As I’m typing ? He is MIA. Again! It’s a frequent cycle ! “Im sorry I’ll want to take care of you and serve God to do right by my family”! Usually lasts a few days at best. Then back to the destructive filler coaster. I’m always the one looking for help! I’m just trying to survive! It’s been 12 years since the beginning of that 2 year affair started! We have seen MANY therapists. Heavily involved In a ministry called Godsave our marriage. He HATES them! They gave me strength and validated me. Also reprimanded me . He HATES all authority! That is why I’m here! Yes our lives are really rough , however I really don’t want the end of his life to be this unfulfilling for him or us. He’s over 72 and hasn’t had a holiday with ALL of our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren , some HE has never met, since the affair! Also leaving this world with his family feeling this way is extremely sad to even fathom. So I found this site and with along with my faith in God ? I again find the tiniest shred of hope. THANKYOU for sharing. I have MUCH to learn and time is running out!

      1. I am very unclear (and uncomfortable) with what looks like suggestions regarding the role of a God in our marriage relationships and in attempts to solve the difficulties. Can I ask whether this is fundamental to this site please? Many people don’t believe in God at all but are trying to cope with very difficult marriages – so all suggestions/advice can be potentially useful. But I certainly don’t want suggestions that religion is fundamental to this. Please clarify this for me. Thank you. Lisa

        1. Hi Lisa, Our work is science-based. My upbringing, however, is American protestant and I have a life long interest in religion and history. We try to help anyone in need to feel comfortable and welcomed here. That is sometimes difficult with so much divide in our communities right now. I would NOT suggest you trust God to fix your marriage any more than I would suggest you pray for God to fix your car. A large part of codependency is our grooming to look for a hero or saviour (political, religious or romantic) rather than learning to trust, protect and take care of ourselves.

  4. This is the first time I feel hope!
    I need to read everything you write…. I need so many tools to deal well with my Narc husband. He fits the description perfectly. ….
    Can’t ask questions. Don’t bring your thoughts concerns or opinions to the table, ONLY his matter. So different in public and behind closed doors.He twists stories to make himself always look amazing Especially regarding work….it is so obvious. The last time we talked about $$/finances my phone got smashed when I held his bank statements too long. AND…I know in my gut/intuition, he’s having an emotional affair or physical one (this is probably the 3rd time in 18 years I have felt this gut feeling). SO Exhausting living and walking on eggshells all the time!

    When I discovered he was classic narcissist and did my research…there is no hope for change, you are his supply like blood to a vampire and…..I found so many say, leave/no contact! All this scares me beyond belief….No hope!
    What do you recommend for me to read first?

    1. Hi Peachy – sorry it took me so long to get back to you! If you click the link at the bottom of this page that says instant access and join our email list you will get directed immediately to pages to work through that will help you.

  5. I believe my husband might have this disorder. I hope he doesn’t but I also some need insight/answers into why he keeps treating me this way.

    1. Most of us have some narcissistic behaviour. It is easier to see in others. The difference between tendencies and being assessed as having the full blown disorder is something even doctors have trouble discerning. Just like a healthy diet and exercises will help with most problems with your health our resources are based on habits and skills that are healthy for everyone and will help you get stronger in dealing with this either way.

      1. Should one ever return to a narcissist who literally threatened my life with a loaded gun??

        1. I really can’t answer that Rachel without knowing the full story—but I would certainly be thinking long and hard about what you feel is really best for you.

  6. I subscribe to your information but have lost the links.

    Please help me. My husband left me, set up home with another woman and now realises the “grass isn’t greener” but doesn’t want to come home to me and our girls as my love for him will not last and he doesn’t want to be alone where he works – away from home.

    I want to support him as I know he had NPD but dont know where to begin….

    1. Hi Ann, It sounds like he may want the best of both worlds so you are going to need very strong boundaries.

      1. Just hit the instant access button at the bottom of this page and sign up again.
      2. Read the private pages and make sure you bookmark the URL this time!
      3. The first special offer at the end of the introductory training is where you should start. The two short books/ebooks have very practical step by step advice you can start working on right away.
      4. Soon after you make that purchase you will get an email about our members subscriptions where from less than $10 a moth you will get access to more articles and an invite to our Facebook secret group where you will find others in your situation and personal support.

      I look forward to you becoming part of our group 🙂

      1. Kim, I actually feel a bit horrified that you may in fact be making money from women, who are already vulnerable and desperate, from remaining in abusive relationships. Are any of the perpetrators contacting you for help or is it just the victims? What worries me more is that you have used fear to persuade women To remain in these relationships by suggesting that they will be in more danger if they leave so therefore better off staying and purchasing your advice to help them stay. I understand that when a woman leaves an abusive relationship it’s a particularly dangerous time, however that is no reason to stay. There are numerous resources now to assist victims of abuse to free themselves from this viscous cycle, and guess what their free services. Furthermore, why should we encourage women to stay and then perhaps then bring innocent children ( more victims) into the mess.

        1. Hi Donna, People purchase advice from us for various reasons. The advice we give them is about conflict resolution and boundary setting whether they stay or leave. Please read my conversation with Kat in this comment thread, as I am not going to continue going over this. Also know that I will not be approving your posts belittling other people who have commented here.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story and being so transparent. My partner of 7 years and I are separated, indefinitely. After finding and reading your works, we fit the dance description. I am the emotionally dependent one; however, I have been growing and becoming stronger over the past several years, and no longer accept his abuse, which has been mental, emotional, verbal, financial, and physical. We do love one another, and his love for me penetrated to the deepest part of my core, where I hid from my pain of being molested as a child. I have worked through that, torn down the walls I built, and transformed them into healthy boundaries. My life is on a healthy path, in every way, and I am staying focussed to continue to grow and be strong. Meanwhile, my partner let go to heal. He has So much anger in him that it oozes from his pores. Our relationship had grown toxic, we could have a conversation without it turning into an argument. It was awful. He blames Everything on me. I do own that my mistakes killed our love and broke our relationship. Unfortunately. I grew up and became responsible during our relationship, yet at the cost of my partner. His patience ran out, and he let go. My hope and prayers are for the anger, bitterness, and resentment to be uprooted and removed from his heart, soul, mind, body, and spirit. He was like a burn victim. If I did anything wrong, even the smallest thing, he would explode. He was like an erupting volcano. He needs to heal totally. We do love each other. I must keep my promise and let go 100%. If we are meant to be, our paths will reunite, I am hoping that we will heal and grow, then find our love and laughter again, which was once so beautiful. I need support and guidance on being strong during this season of letting go and stepping out in faith. Thank you!!!

    1. Hi Theresa, Thanks for sharing. You have come to the right place.

      First I would suggest that you visit my blog and see what articles interest you

      This will help lead you in the right direction to find the resources you need right now.
      There is nearly 150 articles on that website and I have 6 (short and to the point) book out now.

      There is also a community that you can join on our secret Facebook group if you purchase a subscription on my blog. Most start at less than $10 a month 🙂

      Welcome – I look forward to supporting you however we are able!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story and being so transparent. My partner of 7 years and I are separated, indefinitely. After finding and reading your works, we fit the dance description. I am the emotionally dependent one; however, I have been growing and becoming stronger over the past several years, and no longer accept his abuse, which has been mental, emotional, verbal, financial, and physical. We do love one another, and his love for me penetrated to the deepest part of my core, where I hid from my pain of being molested as a child. I have worked through that, torn down the walls I built, and transformed them into healthy boundaries. My life is on a healthy path, in every way, and I am staying focussed to continue to grow and be strong. Meanwhile, my partner let go to heal. He has So much anger in him that it oozes from his pores. Our relationship had grown toxic, we could not have a conversation without it turning into an argument. It was awful. He blames Everything on me. I do own that my mistakes killed our love and broke our relationship. Unfortunately. I grew up and became responsible during our relationship, yet at the cost of my partner. His patience ran out, and he let go. My hope and prayers are for the anger, bitterness, and resentment to be uprooted and removed from his heart, soul, mind, body, and spirit. He was like a burn victim. If I did anything wrong, even the smallest thing, he would explode. He was like an erupting volcano. He needs to heal totally. We do love each other. I must keep my promise and let go 100%. If we are meant to be, our paths will reunite, I am hoping that we will heal and grow, then find our love and laughter again, which was once so beautiful. I need support and guidance on being strong during this season of letting go and stepping out in faith. Thank you!!!

  9. I was married to a NPD man for 5 years, dated for 8. I really knew nothing about this disorder until I started reading your material. All the lies and secrets and porn and I am sure affairs. He refused to talk about issues in the relationship. If I were to bring up issues he would stonewall and not talk to me for days. He never took the responsibility
    for his actions and has a drinking problem. We have been divorced for 4 years and we have started having contact again. But I see the issues are still there and I think I just need to end everything. I still care for him. He says he still loves me but I think is just a part of the NPD… I am older and just cannot handle the stress and roller coaster ride from this type of relationship.

    1. Hi Cindy, I had everything invested in my relationship with Steve and so for me it was worth the fight. Where you are now perhaps you need to listen to your instincts. If you do decide to ‘give him a chance’ make it real and not based on promises. he should let you put spyware on his computer to show you he is ‘clean’ now and be ready to discuss what challenges you need to see him working on and what progress you expect to see in say 3 months and then 6 months. Don’t let the relationship move ahead without him meeting these targets.

  10. I know I could use the support and resources being married for 28 years and it being about him almost always. Truth is, our finances are so below ground level, credit maxed out and he monitors everything that even seeking your help is a more than a hurdle. Please advise…..

    1. Hi Margaret,

      We have a page now where someone can buy the eBook on your behalf.

      It’s right here –

      Just copy and paste the link in an email to someone who might be happy to buy for you. If you’re stuck for what to say, take a look at this page,

      If you are still having trouble, please drop me a line


  11. I am not in a relationship, but when I was married, my ex-husband engaged in many of these behaviors (sneaking around, telling untrue stories about me, which people told me about only after we’d divorced, etc….). He also drank too much, probably would be considered a “high-functioning” alcoholic and I attended Al-Anon for much of the time we were together.

    The thing is, I recognize many of these traits in my parents — my family of origin was highly dysfunctional. My parents are no longer here, but my sisters have scapegoated me for many things and we are estranged. This makes me sad as they are the only family I have, being single and childless.

    Do you have resources to help people in my situation deal with relatives with some of these traits as well? I have reached out to my sisters but they do not respond or respond but ignore the suggestion that we try to talk and work things out.

    Thanks so much!

    1. Hi Leigh and welcome! At this time of year on my blog we get talking about ways of dealing with family. If you visit the website here . . . you will get more info. Make sure you sign up (on that website) to get sent an email when new posts come out. Also if you sign up for any subscription (there are a few to choose from) you can join our secret Facebook group where there are lot’s of folk to chat with.
      The subscription start for less than $10 a month and will give you access to tons of resources to help. I am about to put new post out on that website so I hope you come and join in!

  12. I was married to a narcissist and this whole blog has helped me, I was so affected that I caused me to write a book about my 10 years of pain. I hope that my pain some how inspires and encourages you. You can see the transformation from ashes to beauty. You can read more about Ariella & Kaleb’s chaotic relationship if you purchase the e-book on Amazon. I just wanted to let those know that you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The people who are most affected by narcissism are those who have dealt with drug addictions in the family those who have codependency.

    1:2 Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.” I am just a regular person who will explain how I found help during the most chaotic time in my life: a time when I was hopeless and a cracked vessel. I pray that you may be able to use the tools and exercises provided to help you find peace in your life. I wrote this book to teach people how to find help for their problematic marriage, separation and divorce. Please use my story as a tool to help you identify the red flags that might appear in your relationship. I want to help you identify the problems and address them with solutions. This book will help you move forward with your relationships for a positive future outcome. I will help you expose the excuses and lies and help you discover the truth regarding your relationship. You will meditate on your current relationship and learn how to become healthy and successful. Stop finding excuses to stay in a chaotic marriage and start taking the steps required to fix it. I believe that if you seek the truth it will set you free. If you ask for something and earnestly look for it, you will find your answer. Do you want to find the truth or do you want to keep walking blindly into chaos? A long time ago I chose to be blind to many things and settled for less than I deserved. My goal now is to help people heal and find hope and peace inside their chaotic world. I hope my story helps you find help from within and with God or a higher power. I hope these exercises will help people who do not currently have a support group. They will teach you how to find and create a support group to lean on. I believe that we are not supposed to carry our burdens alone. I believe that God has a plan, and his plan is not to harm or forsake you, but to give you a prosperous life. This book is for all of those who have struggled with the same issues as me. I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

    1. Narcissists are usually passive aggressive to people close to them in their life.

      Your husband does not need a diagnosis for our resources to help you.

  13. I’m married to a NPD wife……… the verge of separation.

    What are resources u have on Offer that will help me stay.I’m 61 & she is 48….& no children.

    Pls hurry.


    1. Hi Terence, PLease join the email list on this page and start with the free tutorial. At the end there are special package deals on our books in the order you should read them. Hang in there – you learning to set real boundaries will ‘rock the boat’ and cause some chaos for a while – but in the end it will help both of you!

  14. Hi Steve and Kim. I stumbled across your site for dealing with narscism earlier last year. I was in a phase in my life that I couldn’t understand what or why was occurring around me. What had been fine, suddenly wasn’t? What had occurred was being changed against me? Unexplained disappearing, unexplained lateness, unexplained blow ups of conversations? Unexplained fights? While I was to blame for everything.
    I moved into a spare room in our home, then was kicked out.
    I went, spent 4 months rebuilding my life away from my home and things, and what had occurred.
    When I discovered Steve and Kim and their website. What they said suddenly made sense to me, explaining what had occurred.
    I studied what they wrote, the picture of where I had lived becoming clearer each day.
    Luckily for me my narc also found it difficult to cope without me and in his usual style made out that I need to be home, for me.
    I was well educated and ready by the time I went home.
    I took the reigns of what was to occur in our home.
    Mostly that still occurs, we still have our odd days where the nasty comments, or tantrums occur, but mostly there is harmony.
    We are still in the infancy stage of rebuilding our life, I am watchful over the direction, and thankful to both Kim and Steve for giving me the tools I need to help our marriage last.
    There is always help available if I need, or get a little lost in my way.
    I might add when all this occurred for me, it was my 3rd wedding anniversary. I had been single for a long time raising children, working, etc. so I guess I had my own confidence I had discovered prior to re marrying, which I say has definately helped me, not living through the years of put downs.
    Thankyou both Steve and Kim xx

  15. Wow! Great information. It describes my husband in every way. I’m gonna try whatever you say to do since you lived through it and, like me, you wanted to stay with your husband. Thanks for sharing such personal info.

    1. Thanks Robin, Hang in there. To get started, please join the email. The sign up box is on this page, that will give you access to our free introductory lesson.

  16. Hi Kim,
    What exactly is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath? The information on the internet is so confusing.
    I have just started applying the steps described in your brilliant book “Back from the looking glass” with my narcissistic partner and I have managed to stop 2 arguments by remaining calm. I have decided to take responsibility and stop acting as a victim. It is not always easy but I need to take it one step at a time. Changes within myself are going to take time. Being an impulsive, aggressive and argumentative co dependant, your book is helping me a lot to do some work on myself and stop being controlled and manipulated by my own ego. To be continued…
    Thank you.

    1. I am sorry Kim but it seems there was a problem as I cannot read your reply. Would you mind posting it again please? Thanks.

      1. I know a lot about narcissists and only a little about sociopaths and I am not sure that what I could share would really be useful. Rather than focusing on diagnosing people – we would much rather focus on helping people learn the skills they need to defend themselves emotionally and physically in most situations. Trying to get into a sick persons head is not a good way to stay safe.

  17. I left my partner, who is an alcoholic. He was verbally abusive for years. I recently realized he also has narcissistic tendencies. He moved his brothers girl friend in our home. They started a relationship right in front of his brother. Since he moved this woman in, his brother committed suicide, they both picked my daughter up drunk, took her to the mountains, his girlfriend got drunk that weekend also and made terrible choices in front of my daughter. We never married, but now I am being sued for the home we owned together, his girlfriend served me the papers. I had to get a lawyer for child support, since my daughter stays with me 90 percent of the time.
    I tried for years to make things better. It didn’t help now my stomach is always burning, because I have to go to battle with two evi, selfish snakes

    1. I am sorry to hear your story Anna, it shows very clearly why getting the right help in learning to stand up for yourself is so important as even after the relationship ends the abuse often continues.

  18. So happy to not be with my ex narc–truth is they don’t know how to love unconditionally–why should anyone have to stay in such an unhealthy relationship–changing how you respond to them and minimizing the hurt does not repair the relationship–I’d rather be dead then still be with him. Staying with people like this just makes you continue to live a lie and no one should have to live (exist) like that.

  19. I agree, Louise.

    I was with a narc for 17 years. Of course, he made me feel that his abuse was my doing, which was why I stayed so long. I got out because I grew up in the relationship, from being codependent. I slowly realised who he was.

    He had been cruel to the children when I was out ( he always was awful, but he was worse to them when I wasn’t there, I found out). I have now been left with fibromyalgia, PTSD and overwhelming anxiety due to the abuse I suffered. It disables me. I feel like I am 90, when I am only 40. My kids are emotionally injured, and I don’t know if they will ever recover. Turns out he was stashing money away and defrauding the tax office, abusing his workers and generally being a warped crook. After he left I found out that he preyed on the elderly in terms of money. I now think he was unfaithful, and I was too blind to see it over the years. The trauma he has caused is indescribable. When he was nice, it was just to feather his own nest.

    When I was submissive a compliant, he just took criminal advantage. When I began to rise up and stand on my o n two feet, the a use continued, but he had to do it in a more clever way, but believe me the abuse was still there. He was just planning a huge implosion to punish me for not submitting. I managed to live through it.

    Why should we think that we need to put up with this, and live with this? I can’t believe that you say that leaving them is no real escape, and even distance doesn’t solve it, and there is even victim- blaming going on here, where you are highlighting how victims can feel like retaliating. I work for a church, and even the churches don’t support remaining in an abusive marriage. By staying with an abuser, you are enabling them to continue- and believe me, if you change your behaviour, they will merely change their tactics.

    We are meant to be free souls, nor thinking we need to be tied to and imprisoned by our abusers.

    As Louise says, they don’t know how to love unconditionally. A narc will often have a poor moral compass, as he has self- interest as his or her guide. They will always hurt you and always do untold damage. My advice? Run for the hills. Life is too short. Your life is a gift- love yourself enough to get away.

    1. The truth is Kat, that just running, without empowering yourself first, statistically is the most dangerous advice you can give people. It is like saying to run from an angry dog. It sounds logical unless you know anything about dogs!

      It is not like we just tell people to stay and don’t give them other advice. You say in your message “I got out because I grew up in the relationship, from being codependent. I slowly realised who he was”. Since that was the answer for you, why should you be so incensed by us helping people do the same (grow up in the relationship, from being codependent and realize who their partner is) and then allow them to make their own choices about leaving or not, depending on their situation?

      As I have stated to you previously we do not advocated people leave or stay. What we do is help them set boundaries either way. For some people this is transformative, as it was in my marriage. For others it helps them find the strength to leave safely and mitigate and heal some of the damage you spoke of that yourself and your kids are suffering.

      And what about your kids? You say he treats them worse when you are not there. So without further advice what happens to the person you tell to just head for the hills, only to have their partner drag them back into family court where they lie and then gain unsupervised access to the children?

      There are a hundred sites you can visit online if you want to tell people that what you did is the best and only answer and have your views congratulated.

      But as you admit yourself it hasn’t worked out so well for you has it? Why not leave us here in peace and let us talk to the people who are looking for professional advice, and direct your anger to the authorities who turn a blind eye to the problem?

      Even better, I sincerely hope that you and your children find the understanding you need to let go of your anger and start healing.

  20. Hi,

    I heard you guys with Jan & Joe and looking to get more information. Keep up the great work btw.

    Thank you

    1. Hey great that you found us Kevin! The best place to start is to sign up for the free tutorial on the front page of this website!

  21. I’m using my phone and pressed instant access but never found a place to sign up. I’m going to try to access it with my computer.

  22. I think I found it. It says stop the fights bring sanity to your home. I clicked “join our email list…”, above.

    1. Did you get through to the Intro tutorial? I am going to work on making it easier to find right now 🙂

  23. Hi Kim and Steve,
    I would like to thank you for all your hard work as it has helped improve my relationship and even though there is still a long way to go, I want to keep hope.
    Sometimes, my partner cries (when he feels inadequate towards his kids or sometimes when he talks about his past). When he does, is it his real self shedding the tears and showing vulnerability or is it his false pride to get some sympathy/empathy?
    He said he was raised not to show any weakness or emotion. He was emotionally abused by his grandfather and also spent a year in a boys school where showing any vulnerability would lead to get bullied. So he built this tough shell of hardened emotions.
    Would you please enlighten me regarding those confusing crying moments?

    1. Hi Stephanie — Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, for some reason I missed your comment here. I am really glad that you have joined my master class and look forward to supporting you through what you will learn there. The master class work is all about learning to read our own and other people’s emotion’s better and more productive ways of responding. This will help you be able to be more responsive )in one way or another) to your partner without the fear of you being sucked in to something you didn’t ask for or know how to deal with.

  24. I am martied to a full blown narcissist who is verbally, physically, and sexually abusice. He is forever a cussing me of having a man and then make false declarations that he knows and his friends tells him things
    He is a pathological liar with absolutely no empathy or emotions.
    Whenever he is going to his rages cycle he begins to withdraw, then I stay far because I know what is coming until he lashes out, then things return to normal for a few days or weeks then the rage cycle repeats.
    He hates family gatherings, hates it when I go to look for my mother, loves to degrade me in every way possible
    When the his rage cycles begin I feel fear, and my favourite scripture to repeat is ye though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil.
    BUT I love my husband dearly and there are times I see why I married him but my constant desire is to see him change but I know he never will.

  25. I am 25 years in this relationship and I feel so lost and depressed. I can’t imagine going through this another day, yet I don’t have the strength or desire to end it. We have a joined family, my 4 kids and his 2. Together we have 21 grandchildren. We are booth high achievers, and have accomplished much, attaining much materially, so much to lose. However, peace is what I desire the most of all. I have left and returned 7 or 8 times…lost track. Each move had to be a secret, 1 day move, since he was never willing to let me go, tho he was never happy with me there either. I would always get on my feet, and here he would come stalking me, promising me the world, going to bible studies, playing Christian music, he would work out, lose weight, dress nice again and even convinced his friends he had changed. So I would always come back so happy and hopeful that finally we could be happy, only to be back in the mire within 3 weeks almost to the day, now even more depressed and sick that I had been fooled again. I am 55 and tired. Recently ambulances to hospital with Afib due to stress and diagnosed with Anxiety. I have little to no motivation….my kids and grandkids are what keeps me going.

    I got online to find support groups locally, to try to find help on how to leave or stay with some kind of peace in my soul. I found no support groups for this problem…do you know of any Programs that can help face to face. I am familiar with 12 step stuff and hoped there was something similar to help me in this sick mess. Any advice will be very appreciated.

    Desperate to get my joy back

  26. Hi Kim,

    After reading your article I realize that my spouse fits the description of NPD. I have been caught up in this situation since marriage and been living in a very uncomfortable tense home environment . We are separated but living under same roof. She has extreme mood swings from hot to cold with unexpected reactions abruptly. Very critical and judgmental about little things and others. When it comes to her own actions she has a reason to justify herself and brushes aside others. What worries me now is our son is getting exposed to her NPD behavior. I feel now that she tends to control him more than necessary and has no regard for his feelings and emotions. He is getting confused and I am coming in between them to avoid confrontation. This leads to new three way problems leading to utter confusion at home , emotional breakdown and constant blame game. She is getting worse as he grows older and shes becoming very autocratic and short tempered, and not using appropriate parenting skills . Instead of showing love, compassion and care she uses criticism, ultimatum and anger to correct him.

    Could you give some tips please? Do I need to leave this marriage? What about my son and will he be safe living with her?

  27. So glad I found this site. I wanna believe everything I have read on here so far but im so skeptical it’s just crap.
    I often tell myself that my narc husband just needs to be loved and naybehe can see it. But idk. I have been doing this for 9 years and so badly want ot to work. My kids are affected by this and its so painful. I have left so many times but he is like my drug I want a future with him but not with all the hate. I pray for fixture and help I love m husband. Im.jist worried this is a scam. I haven’t come across one person that’s doesn’t say to run.

  28. I am finally getting out of a ten year relationship with a narcist personality disorder. He had an affair last year came back to me now he tells me not in love with me started talking to her again. I need to get off the roller coaster it might be hard right now but there will be light one day. I heard a great saying this is not happening to you it’s happening for you. To run as fast as u can!!!

  29. I am the mother of a son married to a narcissist. How can I inform my son of this without him getting hurt/angry at me? He might think I am just trying to make up something. But, I do not like seeing him hurt so much. My daughter-in-law has always been blaming me for something that goes wrong for her that I have not had anything to do with whatever she comes up with. He loves her but does not want to think about what she does. How can I help him?

  30. I lived with a narc for 18 years married 16. I have been out five months but I am the one that is hurting. He attacked me on October 19, 2019 and went to jail. I have not talked with him since. I feel that I may never get over this toxic relationship. I need help.

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  32. After reading this article, I can see how marrying a narcissist can be incredibly challenging and painful. Narcissists can be charming and captivating, but behind their facade lies a deep-seated need for attention and validation that often leads to manipulation and emotional abuse. My best advice, if you find yourself in a marriage with a narcissist, it’s important to remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t let their behavior make you feel small or unworthy. Instead, seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate the difficult road ahead. Always bear in mind, you are strong and capable of creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, with or without your narcissistic partner. Don’t give up hope, and know that you are worthy of love and happiness.

  33. Having love and narcissism within a marriage can be a complex journey filled with twists and turns. It’s like being drawn to a mesmerizing flame, both captivating and dangerous at the same time. The interplay of self-love and the desire for admiration can create a unique dynamic that requires a delicate balance to maintain harmony. It’s a fascinating study of human behavior and emotional intricacies that can both captivate and challenge those involved.

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